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Post by marcus on Oct 17, 2015 16:55:53 GMT
A man goes into a pub with a newt sitting on his shoulder.
"That's a nice newt" says the landlord, "what's he called?"
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the landlord.
"Because he's my newt" says the man.
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:11:58 GMT
An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it...'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, ' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:12:41 GMT
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a
gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table...He had been checking
her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed.. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies.....
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:13:10 GMT
S O M E T I M E S
Sometimes....
when you cry....
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes...
when you are in pain.
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes..
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress
Sometimes..
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile .....
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
But FART !! just ONE freakin' time....
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:15:22 GMT
A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:16:25 GMT
A man went to the local canine rescue centre to see if he could find a dog to replace his pet pooch that had died recently.
He eventually decided on a mongrel whose ugliness was far outweighed by his friendly demeanor. With one leg missing, no tail, blind in one eye and bare patches on his skin where his hair fell out, he nevertheless persuaded the man to take him home.
As the man walked his new pet to the car he couldn't get over how ugly he was and pondered long and hard on what name to give him. In the end he decided to call his dog Rary on account of his ugliness and the fact he was one of a kind.
The next day, the man and his friend decided to take Rary for a walk along the local clifftop. A strong wind was blowing as Rary managed to slip his lead and went charging towards the cliff edge when a strong gust of wind blew him onto the beach 100 feet below.
The two men rushed to where Rary had fallen and saw him spreadeagled on the rocks below. One looked at the other and said, "Don't know about you, but it's a long way to tip a Rary!"
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:19:10 GMT
Dangerous new computer virus
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced antivirus programs cannot remove ..... so be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1960!
Symptoms of the Senile Virus:
Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
Causes you to send blank e-mail.
Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:20:36 GMT
At a meeting for peace negotiations Bill Clinton and Sadamm Hussein were in Baghdad and when bill sat down in the conference room he noticed Saddamm with three buttons on the arm of his chair. after a few minutes Sadamm pressed the first button and a boxing glove sprung up and hit Bill square in the jaw. In the spirit of peace Bill decided to ignore this and continued talking until sadamm pressed the second button and a wooden bat swung out and hill Bill in the chin. Sadamm started laughing. But again Bill ignored this and continued . A minute later Bill saw Sadamm press the third button and he jumped in the air. But a big boot sprung out and hit him in the balls. Bill had decided he had enough of this and when back home.
Three weeks later the peace negotiations were re-scheduled in Washington and as Sadamm sat down in Bills conference room he noticed Bill had three buttons on the arm of his chair. A little while after they started talking Bill pressed the first button but nothing happened, Bill started giggling. They continued to talk then Bill pressed the second button, Sadamm moved but again nothing happened. Sadamm was getting a little jumpy and Bill was laughing even harder. A few minutes later Bill pressed the third button and stared pissing himself but like the others nothing happened. Sadamm had enough of this, stood up and said "That's it! I'm going back to Baghdad!" , to which Bill replied "What Baghdad?"
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:27:11 GMT
I would like to share an experience with you all, to do with drinking and driving
As you know some people have brushes with the authorities on their way home
Well I for one have done something about it. The other night I was out for a dinner
and a few drinks, and having had far too much vino, and knowing full well I was
over the limit, I did something I have never done before. I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:28:47 GMT
These two guys are in the wild west of the US about 150 years ago. They walk into a bar and they see a sign which says "WE PAY $100 FOR INDIAN SCALPS". So Charles turns to Edgar and says "hey look that's easy money old chap, let us find us some natives." So the two of them go out, find two Indians, scalp them and duly get their $100.
That night they sleep in a tent on the edge of town. The next morning Charles wakes up and sticks his head out of the tent and he sees 20,000 Indians standing in a circle around them. He quickly gets back into the tent and shouts excitedly: "Edgar, we're rich, we're rich!"
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:29:07 GMT
A man goes golfing with his friend, Harry. He arrives home several hours late.
His wife asks, "What took you so long?"
He replies, "Oh, Ethel, it was an horrible afternoon! On the third hole, Harry had a heart attack and died on the spot!"
Ethel says, "Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you!"
The husband replies, "It was hell! Fifteen holes of 'hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry...
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:30:32 GMT
I’m in trouble with the wife.
We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.
Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.
******************************************
I woke up this morning at 8 o'clock and could tell something was wrong straight away.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I started to panic.
I just didn’t know what to do ………………… and
then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.
*******************************************
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry ...
I can’t let you in without a Thai”.
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:31:40 GMT
A middle-aged father came into the room with his laptop and asked his teenage son to sit down.
"Son," he said, "I think it's time to talk to you about pornography."
"What about it, Dad?" the son asked.
"How the hell can I get past the filters without your mother knowing?"
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:32:50 GMT
I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and
so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing that bothering me, quite a lot indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be.
She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.
One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once.
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it just come and get me.
I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.
Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:35:02 GMT
A couple returned from their honeymoon not talking to each other. The husband's best friend finally takes him aside and asks what's wrong.
"Well," replied the new husband, "When we finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend: "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said: "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!"
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:35:48 GMT
A beautiful woman found a lovely pool after wandering into an orchard. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.
"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.
He smiled and replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:40:29 GMT
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited,
That night we had the most amazing sex ever..........
Which is odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before !
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:41:37 GMT
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about two seconds to say "Gimme a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure this out."
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:42:14 GMT
A guy came home from work last night and told his wife that He'd been given a huge promotion at work which means he gets his own office and gets to employ his own private secretary.
"Well you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly", she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with."
"That's fair enough", He replied, "When can you start?"
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:43:12 GMT
1.The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table whenshe suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the
change."
2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist knobs. I mean, it's not as if she'd
have to reverse the bloody thing!
3. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
4. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
5. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
6. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
7. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swam with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:47:17 GMT
A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.....
"Try doing it with the engine running."
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:47:52 GMT
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. “Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,” she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:49:26 GMT
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. Printed on Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- 'Do not turn upside down.' (well,...duh, a bit late, huh!) On Sainsbury's peanuts -- 'Warning: contains nuts.' (talk about a news flash) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- 'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.' (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- 'Product will be hot after heating.' (...and you thought?  ...) On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap -- 'Directions: Use like regular soap.' (and that would be???....) On some Swanson frozen dinners -- 'Serving suggestion: Defrost.' (but, it's just a suggestion.) On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- 'Do not iron clothes on body.' (but wouldn't this save me time?) On Nytol Sleep Aid -- 'Warning: May cause drowsiness.' (..I'm taking this because???.....) On most brands of Christmas lights -- 'For indoor or outdoor use only.' (as opposed to what?) On a Japanese food processor -- 'Not to be used for the other use.' (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- 'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.' (Step 3: say what?) On a child's Superman costume -- 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.' (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw -- 'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.' (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere ?) |
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:52:12 GMT
Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer thingyed his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:53:01 GMT
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman that says, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry.
Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on a*s."
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:54:35 GMT
A newlywed couple on their wedding night:
The man starts undressing, takes his pants and throws them at his new little wife.
He says, “Here, put these on Sweetie.”
She slips them on and they nearly come up to her neck.
She says, “I can’t wear these Honey, they are just too big.”
He replies: “Well then Sweetie, just remember who wears the pants in this family.”
So, she starts taking off her clothes… and throws her panties to him.
“Here, put these on Honey.”, She says.
He tries and tries, but can only get one leg through.
He say, “Sorry Sweetie, I can’t get into them.”
She replies, “And you never will, unless you change your thinking.”
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:55:03 GMT
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband, a divorce lawyer, suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice, "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
The husband, knowing how to get the upper hand in a divorce proceeding, "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he says with derision. "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 18:58:22 GMT
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 19:01:45 GMT
Depth limit for recreational divers - 12 metres
Depth limit for experienced divers - 18 metres
Depth at which nitrogen bubbles develop in your blood - 30 metres
Scuba diving world record - 137 metres
Depth my £14.99 watch will operate up to - 500 metres
Cheers Casio, that's a relief
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 17, 2015 19:04:56 GMT
Things we should have learnt by now.
1 . Never , under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2 . Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
3 . If you must choose between two evils, pick the one youve never tried before.
4 .There is no shred of evidence that supports the notion that life is to be taken seriously.
5 . For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
6. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
7 . Eat well ,stay fit , die anyway.
8 .Men are from earth , women are from earth deal with it.
9 .No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
10 . Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of waist change places.
11 .Junk is something you ve kept for years and throw it away three weeks before you need it.
12 . there is always one more imbecile more than you counted on.
13 .Experience is a wonderful thing, it enables you to recognise a mistake
when you make it again.
14 . people who want to share their religious views with you , almost never want you to share yours with them.
15 . Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the ARK, A large group of professionals built the TITANIC
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...) 
