Tell us a Joke :)

[Lynnrose]

A new Joke Thread # post picture jokes too if you like x

[straker]

Quotes from famous people

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner



"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone



"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-pregnant dog."
Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a thingy, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

[buzzy]

Hazardous Materials Information Bulletin
Material Safety Data Sheet no: EC 36C-24-36

“Woman” : A Chemical Analysis

Element: Woman
Symbol: WO
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 53.6Kg, but may vary from 40 – 200Kg
Occurrence: Copius quantities in all urban areas

Physical Properties

1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason to man.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical Properties

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs large quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously or without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in water, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses

1. Highly ornamental and fragrant, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Potential Hazards

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

WARNING

PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE
PHYSICAL, MENTAL AND FINANCIAL DAMAGE

[straker]

ZEN TEACHINGS - some more profound than others!‏

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me the Hell alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[Lynnrose]

[buzzy]

[Lynnrose]

[buzzy]

[straker]

The Glass Eye...

A MAN IS DINING IN A FANCY RESTAURANT AND THERE IS A GORGEOUS REDHEAD SITTING AT THE NEXT TABLE. HE HAS BEEN CHECKING HER OUT SINCE HE SAT DOWN, BUT LACKS THE NERVE TO TALK WITH HER.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . .

Wait for it. .

It's coming. .

She says:

"You just happened to catch my eye."


Oh shut up, and just forward it!)

[marcus]

Van Gogh goes in to a pub and his friend ask him if he wants a drink. "no thanks" said Vincent," I've got on ear"

[Lynnrose]

[straker]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

[buzzy]

[marcus]

A boy asks his father "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married"?
"Don't know son. I'm still paying for it"

[straker]

It was raining very heavily and there was a very big puddle in front of the pub were A ragged old man was standing with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.

A tipsy looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked him what he was doing.

Fishing, the old man said simply.

The gentleman thought 'Poor old fool, and he invited the ragged old man to have a drink with him in the pub.

The gentleman felt he should make some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, so he asked the old man, And how many have you caught?

Oh. you're the eighth, the old man answered.

[Lynnrose]

[buzzy]

[marcus]

Q : What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in the other hand?

A : One HELL of a moth

[straker]

I don't Know if this is true or a jest, I heard it on the radio. It was a zoo attendant in the monkey section saying how clever chimpanzees are, he was explaining about a young orphan chimp that he had at home until it became strong enough to join the group.

He said the young chimp pooed on the living room carpet, so to teach it a lesson he lightly slapped the chimps bottom and put it outside in the garden.

The next day the young chimp done another poo on the carpet only this time it slapped it's own bottom and threw itself out of the window into the garden.

True or not I found this amusing.

[straker]

Greek Bailout Explained‏

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.



And that is how the bailout package works!

[buzzy]

2nd Class Mail

Whilst strolling round the Harbour this morning about 11 am. I noticed a Muslim extremist slip from the quayside and fall into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying.

If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.

Being a responsible British citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress,

I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Service.

It is now 4 p.m, he has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.

[marcus]

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede ?

A walkie-talkie

[buzzy]

I am Just the Messenger

Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona ( being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me!"

Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did."

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

[marcus]

Q. Why did King Kong buy 15 pairs of shoes?

A. Because he was a 30-foot monster.

[Lynnrose]

[straker]

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

"Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter," Paddy replied and then reaching
into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

"My God, man!" exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his
hands. "Where'd yew git dat monster?"

"Well," replied Paddy, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a magic Genie?" Mick asked.

"Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Paddy.

"Could I see him?"

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Mick says, "Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your
master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes, I will," says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears
back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a
million ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, "What
the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Paddy answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of
hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?"

[straker]

Two cows and the world economy...


SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you do not know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.
AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
One of them is a horse.

[marcus]

This termite walks into a pub and says "Is the bar tender here ?"

[Lynnrose]

[marcus]

Patient : Doctor,doctor, no one believes a word I say.
Doctor : Tell me the truth, what's your REAL problem?