Tell us a Joke :)

[merchant42]

Two 90 year old men, Dai and Emrys, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Emrys is dying, Dai visits him every day.

One day Dai says, 'Emrys, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'

Emrys looks up at Dai from his death bed,' Dai, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Emrys passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Dai is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,

'Dai--Dai.'

'Who is it? Asks Dai sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Dai--it's me, Emrys.'

'You're not Emrys. Emrys just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Emrys,' insists the voice.'

'Emrys! Where are you?'

'In heaven', replies Emrys. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' says Dai.

The good news,' Emrys says,' is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' says Dai. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams!

So what's the bad news?'

'You're in the team for Tuesday.'

[merchant42]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie. He decides to test it out on his son at supper. "Where were you last night?"
Son says, "I was at the library."
The robot slaps son.
"OK I was at a friend's house."
"Doing what?" asked the father.
"Watching a movie; Toy Story."
Robot slaps son. "OK, it was porn!" cried the son.
Father yells, "What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says "He certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

[merchant42]

Technology

Mom heard her son and daughter playing Hide and Seek.

Kevin said, "You cover your eyes. I'll go hide and text you when I'm ready."

Mom thought that was pretty ingenious of her son but was even more surprised when her daughter got the text and raced straight for the computer.

"What are you doing?" Mom asked.

"I'm tracking his location with GPS."

[merchant42]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket
where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.


Curiosity getting the better of her, she said
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly"

[alexham36]

This was a part of Adolf's long term chemical warfare plan, but they could not sell enough VWs to USA to gas them all!

[merchant42]

One day Steve's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting to her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home.

When Steve's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in your son's closet."

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

After an uncomfortable minute of silence she finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I DON'T think we should spank him."

[merchant42]

A woman has a problem with her closet door. Every time a bus passes by, it keeps falling off. So she calls a repairman. The repairman arrives and sees that the door does indeed keep falling off every time a bus passes.

"OK, I'm going in," he says. "Just shut the door behind me."

He steps into the closet, but before a bus can arrive, the woman's husband comes home from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.

Shocked and angry, the husband says, "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Well, you're not going to believe it," replies the repairman, "but I'm waiting for a bus!"

[merchant42]

[merchant42]

Fund Raising for Beginners

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The National Anthem."

[merchant42]

David Cameron was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."

"Incorrect", said David, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"

'I'm afraid not', explained David, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. David searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed David, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be a f*cking accident either!"

[merchant42]

If you are a senior you will understand this one,
if you deal with seniors,
this should help you understand them a little better,
and if you are not a senior yet........
God willing, someday you will be......

The £2.99 Special


We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special'
was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for £2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said.
'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you £3.49
because you're ordering a la carte,'
the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay
for not taking the eggs?'
my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,'
my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?'
the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

[merchant42]

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

[merchant42]

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

[merchant42]

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow: 'and that is why I am in such good shape.
I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?
'Who said my Dad died?' The doctor was amazed. 'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive? How old is he?'
He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive.
He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Grandad is dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?' '
No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'
At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'

[merchant42]

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to find her mother gone.

She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion.

What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.

"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

[merchant42]

Smart Answers


6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied


5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'



4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'



3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'



SMART **** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2012

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,


'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sblack personing.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,


'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

[merchant42]

Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as

his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down

the horse's legs and rump, and chest. He was curious as to why his

father was doing this.



After a few minutes, Harold asked his father, 'Dad, why are you doing

that?'



His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make

sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy one.



Harold, looking worried said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy

Mom ....'

[merchant42]

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices large sign on the wall:

$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says,

"You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

[merchant42]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either

[merchant42]

Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!"
She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the j3welry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,

"WHAT?" I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

[merchant42]

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because its illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk

[merchant42]

I came home from work and found the kid’s outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of her indoors car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the cat. Walking in the door, I found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. I quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for my wifey. I was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. I was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As I peered inside I found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As I rushed to the bedroom, I found her still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel... She looked up at me, smiled and asked how my day went. I looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...


''Yes," was my incredulous reply..



She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.

[marcus]

A blonde ordered a pizza and the guy behind the counter asked if he should cut it into six or eight slices. "Oh, six please" she said,"I could never manage eight slices."

[buzzy]

[marcus]

A doctor is on the phone to a farmer. "I'm sorry" says the doctor, but I can't come out to see you any more"

"Why not" asks the farmer?"

"Because every time I come to your place your ducks insult me"

[merchant42]

Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.

"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

[merchant42]

An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.

The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"

[merchant42]

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:

'Good trade.....'

[merchant42]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:


"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your
husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

[merchant42]