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Post by buzzy on Oct 15, 2015 9:15:56 GMT
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Post by marcus on Oct 15, 2015 15:51:25 GMT
Colonel Sanders was a typical man. The only thing he cared about were legs, breasts and thighs.
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 15, 2015 18:04:32 GMT
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 15, 2015 18:05:02 GMT
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 15, 2015 18:06:08 GMT
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 15, 2015 18:06:26 GMT
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 15, 2015 18:06:55 GMT
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 15, 2015 18:08:12 GMT
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 15, 2015 18:08:55 GMT
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 15, 2015 18:09:45 GMT
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 15, 2015 18:10:17 GMT
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 15, 2015 18:10:44 GMT
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 15, 2015 18:11:39 GMT
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 16, 2015 2:46:15 GMT
Who is the odd man out and more importantly, why?
1. Lord Stevenson: former chairman, HBOS
2. Sir Fred Goodwin: former chief executive, RBS
3. Andy Hornby: former chief executive, HBOS
4. Sir Tom McKillop: former chairman, RBS
5. John McFall MP: chairman of Treasury Select Committee
6. Alastair Darling: Chancellor of the Exchequer
7. Gordon Brown: Prime Minister and former Chancellor
8. David Cameron: Leader of the Conservative Party
9. George Osbourne: Conservative Party Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer
10. Sir Terry Wogan: presenter of Radio 2's Breakfast Show
You're probably thinking Terry Wogan...... and you are right . However the reason might surprise you.
Terry Wogan is the only one out of this motley crew who actually holds any formal banking qualifications! He worked in a bank before radio
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 16, 2015 2:47:27 GMT
Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet dog...and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had...an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little
to do...on impulse I told her that no...I didn't have a dog...I was starting
the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't...because I ended up
in the hospital last time...but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs
in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified...she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no...I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. The supermarket won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say.
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 16, 2015 2:52:05 GMT
The Darwin Awards 2009 Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honourable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting-machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his carduring a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a womanhad taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean busdriver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on thecounter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you andgives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquorstore window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him inthe car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which hereplied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the pursefrom."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friendsand family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost. *** Remember....They walk among us!!! They reproduce!!!***
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 16, 2015 2:54:22 GMT
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner
after 25 years in a Roscommon parish. A leading local
politician and member of the congregation was
chosen to make the presentation and give a little
speech at dinner. He was delayed, so the priest
decided to say his own few words while they were waiting.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the
first confession I heard here. I thought I had been
assigned to a terrible place. The very first person
who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a
television set and, when questioned by the police, was
able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money
from his parents, embezzled from his employer,
had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal
drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But
as the days went on I knew that my people were not all
like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish
full of good and loving people.".....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician
arrived full of apologies at being late. He
immediately began to make the presentation and gave
his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish
priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had
the honour of being the first one to go to him in
confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE.
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 16, 2015 2:55:16 GMT
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 16, 2015 2:55:59 GMT
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her dress revealing her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?' her husband demanded. 'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.' He reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?" 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any' she explains,
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,
'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit.'
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 16, 2015 3:00:52 GMT
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy ,
went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
'Father ..... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
the Nazis.
So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays.'
The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
forgiven.' '
Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
I do have one more question.'
'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?''
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 16, 2015 3:03:47 GMT
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting
in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said: "we're
going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in
turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."
The Scotsman says: "I'd like to hear The Flower of Scotland just one
more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the
style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards."
The Irishman says: "I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to
remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell,
with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune."
The Welshman says: "I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time
to remind me of the auld country, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice
Choir."
The Englishman says: "I'd like to be shot first.
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 16, 2015 3:06:10 GMT
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Tesco's for a bit of shopping resulted in the following...... Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two very good looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their boobs almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another Tesco, in this case the one in Cleckheaton. You agree and they both get in the backseat.
On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely in the buff. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, trying to kiss you and touch you intimately, thrusting herself against you. While the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also November 1st, 4th, 6th,10th and twice yesterday.
P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl are £1.75 and look better.
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 16, 2015 3:06:51 GMT
A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. You get all of the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 16, 2015 3:07:58 GMT
On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At the town of:- Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,
“Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr gurrr kiiing.”
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 16, 2015 3:12:23 GMT
A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
"My dog attacked and killed her."
"Well, who is in the second coffin?"
"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement , "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Join the queue."
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 16, 2015 3:15:42 GMT
The Pope comes to Glasgow and asks "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, wee Jimmy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Pope asked, "My son, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Wee Jimmy replied, "Your Holiness, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The Pope put one finger of one hand in Jimmy's ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a great prayer for Jimmy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the Pope removed his hands, stood back and asked, "James, how is your hearing now?"
Wee Jimmy answered,
" Ah don't know. It's no' 'til next week....."
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 16, 2015 3:17:34 GMT
A London Fire
In a run-down part of East London a fire
destroyed a dilapidated four-storey house
that had been divided into four flats.*
A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor... all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor... they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.
But the middle aged British white couple who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation.
Why was just the British white couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed,and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours – so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied ...
"Because they were both at work."
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 16, 2015 3:18:36 GMT
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife...
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 16, 2015 3:19:12 GMT
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.
The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Miaow!"
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Post by merchant42 on Oct 16, 2015 3:20:33 GMT
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... “Will you marry me?”
The Princess said “NO!”
And the Prince rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted, and lived happily ever after.
The End
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