Tell us a Joke :)

[merchant42]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[merchant42]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

“We missed the R! ?We missed the R! We missed the R!”

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…CELEBRATE!!!”

[merchant42]

Don't you hate it when ...

1. People are willing to get off their backside to search the entire room for the TV remote but refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
2. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”.
d**n Right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
3. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”.
Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
4. When people say while watching a film, “did you see that?”
No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the d**n floor!
5. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…
Didn’t give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
6. When something is ‘new and improved’.
Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.
7. When people say “life is short”.
What the heck??? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do that’s longer?
8. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”
If the bus came, would I be standing here???

[merchant42]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[merchant42]

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

[merchant42]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say,..." "And I said keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[merchant42]

A truck driver was zooming down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his obligation, he stopped to give the priest a ride.

A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and the driver aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway.

Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest.

"I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."

But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

[merchant42]

Walking through the jungle a hunter found a dead ferocious-looking rhinoceros with a Pygmy standing proudly beside it. Amazed, the hunter asked, “Did you kill that rhino?”

“Why, yes,” said the Pygmy.

“How could a little fella like you kill a beast like that?”

“I killed it with my club,” explained the Pygmy.

The astonished hunter exclaimed, “Wow! How big is your club?”

The Pygmy replied, “There are about 90 of us.”

[merchant42]

The rescue team finds the crashed airplane.
The lone survivor is chewing on a bone, with a huge pile of human bones next to him, and the rescuers are shocked.
He says, "You can't judge me for this. I had to survive."
The leader of the rescue team says, "But Jesus Christ, man... your plane only went down yesterday."

[merchant42]

Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."

So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"

[merchant42]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

[merchant42]

Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.


The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"


Gary says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."


"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.


"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Gary, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."


"What if that had been struck by lightning?"


"Then," Gary continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."


"What if the phone was engaged?"


"Well in that case," persevered Gary, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."


"What if that was vandalized?"


"Oh well, then I'd run into town and get my uncle Bill."


This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"


"Because he's never seen a train crash."

[merchant42]

God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down Into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'
God explained it to Him.Then God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a River?'
God explained that To him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'
Adam said, 'What is a Hill?'
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'
After God explained, He said, 'In the cave You will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'
So God explained That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I Want you to reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do I do that?'
God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....'
And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down Into the valley, across the river, and Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the Woman.
Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.
God, His patience Wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it Now?'

And Adam said....

'What's a headache?'

[marcus]

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through that thing?"

[merchant42]

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.

"I can if I take two," he answered.

[merchant42]

Three racehorses were sitting in a bar bragging to each other about their life accomplishments.

The first horse boasts “I’ve been in 59 races and I’ve won 35 of them.”

“That’s nothing,” says the second horse. “I’ve raced 97 times, and I’ve won 78 of them!”

The third horse joins in: “Well, I’ve raced 122 times and I’ve won 102!”

Just then, the horses hear a voice say, “I’ve got you all beat!”

The horses look down and see a greyhound.

“I’ve raced over 200 times, and I have NEVER lost!”

The horses look at the dog in amazement.

One of them says “How about that! A talking dog!

[merchant42]

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

[merchant42]

A defendant was on trial for murder in Philadelphia. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense?s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didnt."

[merchant42]

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.

The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board . Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer...

[merchant42]

12 Step Recovery Program For Web Addicts


I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

I will get dressed before noon.

I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

I will read a book... if I still remember how.

I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow

[merchant42]

A husband and wife were out golfing together one day when they came upon a tough par 4 hole. The husband hooked his drive deep into the woods and proclaimed that he would have to chip out. Then the wife said: "Maybe not, dear! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I do believe you could hit it right through and reach the green."

So the husband agrees to give it a try, but when he hits the ball it goes straight through the front doors of the barn, hits the crossbeam, ricochets back and hits his wife square in the head, killing her.

A year goes by and the man is golfing with a friend. He finds himself on the same hole, with the same results, a hook deep in the woods. He is all set to chip out when his friend runs up to him and says: "Wait! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I think you can still reach the green."

"No way," replies the man: "I tried that last year and got a 7."

[merchant42]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You can be the man of your house."

He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to run me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands and tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

[merchant42]

Two businessmen in Cardiff were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ****-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well... Only two left."

Pensioners - don't mess with them!!!!!!

[merchant42]

The Cruise

DEAR DIARY . DAY ONE
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.

DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.
Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined.
Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FIVE
Pool again today, got sunburned, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.
Again I declined. He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.
I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
Saved 1600 lives today - twice.

[merchant42]

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[merchant42]

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks hers husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

[merchant42]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next fourdays and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself andis delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone, 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes anda sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your a-s-s is mine.'

He lost 74 pounds...

[merchant42]

What's the definition of a nervous wreck ?

A man who has House payments , Car payments , A Wife , and a girlfriend.........

and there all a Month Late !!

[Lynnrose]

[straker]

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London.

Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read...
"Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £3.00 each, Trousers £4.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at these prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune."

Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us.

I'll put on me best English accent."

"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mout shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £3..00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £4.50 each And oy’ll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"

"Well yes" said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"








The owner replied "This is a dry-cleaners."