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Post by marcus on Oct 14, 2013 18:31:37 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A project you started a while ago takes on nightmarish proportions, today, as you realize that you've been suckered into a hideous task. Fortunately, you will be able to get out of it by feigning death.
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Post by Lynnrose on Oct 15, 2013 7:57:26 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an iridescent green Mohawk, you know?
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Post by Lynnrose on Oct 16, 2013 8:05:24 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!."
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Post by marcus on Oct 16, 2013 18:52:06 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from school for exampe. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone "booger-face."
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Post by Lynnrose on Oct 17, 2013 8:41:57 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone's been teasing your cat.
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Post by marcus on Oct 17, 2013 16:29:58 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that's going to be your pinacle of excitement for today.
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Post by Lynnrose on Oct 18, 2013 9:07:20 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
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Post by Lynnrose on Oct 19, 2013 7:53:01 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.
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Post by marcus on Oct 19, 2013 19:42:49 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will watch a lot of TV today. But that's ok, if that's really what you want.
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Post by Lynnrose on Oct 20, 2013 6:58:29 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Don't go out today, without a spatula. I can't say more.
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Post by marcus on Oct 20, 2013 16:05:16 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will feel tired and run-down today. This may possibly be because of the marathon you ran yesterday, and the taxi that ran into you near the finish line. Just a guess.
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Post by Lynnrose on Oct 21, 2013 10:14:31 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started.
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Post by Lynnrose on Oct 22, 2013 7:52:14 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that.
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Post by Lynnrose on Oct 23, 2013 7:39:20 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours "The Federation Starship Intrepid." And always do that little two-finger wave and say "engage", when you start off, of course.
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Post by marcus on Oct 23, 2013 16:15:55 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today.
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Post by Lynnrose on Oct 24, 2013 14:19:45 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realize that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy.
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Post by marcus on Oct 24, 2013 15:36:21 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will hear a mysterious "whapping" sound as you are passing by a church today. Curiosity will get the better of you, and you will peek inside. To your relief you will discover it's only the nuns, playing a quick game of dodge-ball.
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Post by Lynnrose on Oct 25, 2013 14:57:16 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will be followed by an evil-looking man in an old green Ford pickup truck. Surprisingly, it will turn out that following people is just his hobby, and you have nothing to worry about.
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Post by Lynnrose on Oct 26, 2013 6:07:54 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will receive a "Dear John" letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn't "John."
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Post by marcus on Oct 26, 2013 17:34:32 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable.
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Post by Lynnrose on Oct 27, 2013 9:21:33 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
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Post by marcus on Oct 27, 2013 11:31:35 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes...
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Post by Lynnrose on Oct 28, 2013 9:41:22 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous.
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Post by marcus on Oct 28, 2013 19:18:18 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap.
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Post by Lynnrose on Oct 29, 2013 8:43:58 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies "dour." The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck.
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Post by Lynnrose on Oct 30, 2013 8:26:05 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Someone will ask "How are you?" for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarassingly intimate is usually best. "Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing..."
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Post by marcus on Oct 30, 2013 15:50:06 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will answer the phone today by shouting "You bloated sack of protoplasm!." Unfortunately, it's not your friend calling. It's your mother.
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Post by Lynnrose on Oct 31, 2013 13:08:22 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I'm sure it's quite nice.
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Post by Lynnrose on Nov 1, 2013 7:45:32 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.
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Post by marcus on Nov 1, 2013 21:02:41 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined.
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