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Post by Lynnrose on Aug 21, 2013 11:39:49 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what's wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter "nothing, it's nothing".
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Post by marcus on Aug 21, 2013 15:51:59 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It's actually a trick to try to get you involved with a circus. Also, check page 3 of the newspaper for something you've been waiting for.
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Post by Lynnrose on Aug 22, 2013 19:29:50 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of "Titanic II."
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Post by Lynnrose on Aug 23, 2013 10:49:58 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.
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Post by marcus on Aug 23, 2013 16:48:28 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.
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Post by Lynnrose on Aug 24, 2013 7:22:25 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Excellent day to fritter things away.
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Post by marcus on Aug 24, 2013 16:31:31 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will realize that it's impossible to truly "control" anything, even yourself, and that the best you can hope for is to have some "influence" over yourself and your surroundings. This will make you feel better, before the pink slip arrives.
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Post by Lynnrose on Aug 25, 2013 6:40:22 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
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Post by Lynnrose on Aug 26, 2013 6:05:47 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it.
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Post by marcus on Aug 26, 2013 15:42:12 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.
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Post by Lynnrose on Aug 27, 2013 12:36:39 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Imodium.
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Post by marcus on Aug 27, 2013 17:43:49 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will use the phrase "hep-cat daddy-o" one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you. Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will use the phrase "hep-cat daddy-o" one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.
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Post by Lynnrose on Aug 28, 2013 12:58:31 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.
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Post by Lynnrose on Aug 29, 2013 6:00:38 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke -- it's just that most people are too shy to admit that they'd rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.
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Post by marcus on Aug 29, 2013 15:54:12 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge.
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Post by Lynnrose on Aug 30, 2013 7:02:56 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Continue hiding.
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Post by marcus on Aug 30, 2013 19:10:08 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Your butler will return to work today, and pretend as if nothing had happened. It's time for you to compromise, and give up those new argyles. It's for the best, in the long run.
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Post by Lynnrose on Aug 31, 2013 10:30:45 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.
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Post by marcus on Sept 1, 2013 19:17:09 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
After spending days learning to simultaneously pat your head and rub your tummy, you will move on today to patting your head and rubbing someone else's tummy.
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Post by Lynnrose on Sept 3, 2013 7:05:37 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name "Throckmorton." (The plant, not the office. Obviously, "Throckmorton" is a completely inappropriate name for an office. "Wiggins" is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.)
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Post by marcus on Sept 3, 2013 14:21:53 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you'll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee (tm). Eventually, they'll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.
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Post by Lynnrose on Sept 4, 2013 8:36:33 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis.
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Post by marcus on Sept 4, 2013 15:27:11 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught).
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Post by Lynnrose on Sept 5, 2013 8:57:00 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.
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Post by marcus on Sept 5, 2013 15:49:21 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will be strangely drawn to an odd glass sculpture in an antique shop. The proprietor will show it to you with some hesitation, and will be visibly perspiring when you buy it. You'll hear an almost anguished sigh of relief from him, as you leave with it.
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Post by marcus on Sept 5, 2013 15:49:36 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will be strangely drawn to an odd glass sculpture in an antique shop. The proprietor will show it to you with some hesitation, and will be visibly perspiring when you buy it. You'll hear an almost anguished sigh of relief from him, as you leave with it.
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Post by Lynnrose on Sept 6, 2013 7:07:23 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie.
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Post by Lynnrose on Sept 7, 2013 8:27:46 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will insist on being called "El Magnifico", today. There will be some grumbling among the peasants.
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Post by marcus on Sept 7, 2013 19:05:10 GMT
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day to defy convention. Be yourself. Buy a fedora, for example, and wear it indoors.
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Post by Lynnrose on Sept 8, 2013 6:30:54 GMT
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").
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