Tell us a Joke :)

[merchant42]

Husband calls his wife....

Husband, "Hi Honey, I was driving to Susan's place along the coast road and had a sudden puncture. The car skidded and rolled over.

Only a small tree kept me from sliding over a cliff and falling 500 feet. I managed to crawl out of the car only one second before the tree snapped and the car fell over the cliff.

"I am now in hospital with a broken arm, several broken ribs, a shattered kneecap and severe concussion."

Wife, "Who is Susan?"

[merchant42]

Every day Francesca went to the cemetery in her village to water the flowers on the grave of her deceased husband Enzo.

When she was finished she always walked backwards when leaving the grave.

One day her friend Bianca asked, "Francesca why do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?"

Francesca answered, "When Enzo was alive he always told me 'You've got such a great ass; it could bring a dead man back to life!' I'm not taking any chances !"

[merchant42]

Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

"Diane," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died."

"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"

[merchant42]

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard.

"Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!!"

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.

"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!!"

The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.

That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

[merchant42]

Mrs. Smith found her husband hanging in his bedroom this morning.

There was a note on his bed which read, "I can't take the critism anymore."

Mrs. Smith quickly cut him down and managed to revive him.

As Mr. Smith lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

[merchant42]

(Under the age of 50? You won't understand.)

My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

We all took PE ..... and risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop plimsolls, instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us.

We had 50 kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter......., FUNNY THAT!!

We all said prayers in school and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren't!!

Oh yeah ... and where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played “King of the Castle” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked.

Now it's a trip to A & E, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.

How could we possibly have known that?

We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes.

We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

And we seemed to get by on a single wage.

How did we ever survive?

[merchant42]

Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing
a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that
the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to
climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this
unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll
tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next
25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to
sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell
sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room
key in the car!"

[merchant42]

We were born at home under the tender care of the local midwife, to parents who smoked, drank, ate all the ‘wrong’ food, but who laboured hard to feed and clothe us and to ensure our futures;

We were laid to sleep in cots lined with lead-based paints - suffered from the most horrendous nappy rash brought on by terry napkins, survived epidemics of diphtheria, scarlet fever, TB and polio and were fed Ministry of Food cod liver oil, Virol and concentrated orange juice as a hedge against vitamin deficiency, and California Syrup of Figs to keep us regular;

Some of us spent night after night of our early lives in some hole in the ground listening to the sirens and the fire bells and the bombs and the answering ack-ack whilst the very air around us shook - and we still got to school on time the next morning;

We rode ramshackle bikes that we’d built or mended ourselves and would have died of shame if we’d been made to wear a stupid helmet!

We either rode our rickety bikes or walked - never got taken to school in a car
(perish the thought of ever being seen by our mates doing anything as pansy as that!);

If we were lucky enough to get the occasional ride in a car, we wouldn’t wear seatbelts - simply because there weren’t any. Best fun of all was riding in the back of a van - or even a pick-up, bouncing around like beans in a bucket;

We would share drinks with our mates, all drinking from the same bottle and not caring about catching horrible diseases;

We would catch horrible diseases - like impetigo or worms - by all drinking from the same bottle;

Nobody had thought it necessary to make medicine bottles, doors, cabinets or electrical sockets childproof - as for banning conkers ….!!

We ate red meat, stodgy suet puddings, chips cooked in animal fat, white bread and dripping and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would spend hours building carts out of old prams and scraps of wood, not realising until just before the crash at the bottom of the hill that we’d forgotten to fit any brakes;

We fished for newts and stickle-backs, cherished a jar full of frog's spawn and watched it turn into tadpoles and then baby frogs, made mud pies, had pockets full of worms, made ‘bozenarrers’ out of a bit of string and tree branches; played Tarzan by swinging on rope tied inexpertly to overhanging branches; got chased out of orchards;

We fell into rivers and streams; out of trees and off walls - and into beds of stinging nettles; we broke bones, got cut and grazed our knees, but although grown-ups would always tell us we’d lose eyes playing with ’bozenarrers’, it never happened - and lawsuits never followed from these accidents.

Remedies and cures and healing applications invariably tasted vile or stung like hell;

Any examples of excessive behaviour would be dealt with summarily by the beat constable or the nearest grown-up, who would then make sure our parents found out. Parental discipline would swiftly follow and would be draconian and usually painful;

if we were heard by a parent using bad language ('bloody' would have been enough') we really would get our mouths washed out with soap - usually carbolic, or if we were lucky, the milder Lifebuoy;

Our toothpaste - if our parents were rich enough to be able to afford it - would taste just like Lifebuoy soap;

Truly delinquent behaviour would result in a visit to the local Juvenile Court, which could ultimately lead to a none-too-brief or friendly sojourn in an ‘approved school’ or remand home;

Personal computers, mobile phones, digital TV, videos, DVDs, Playstations, I-pods, MP3, the Internet and chat-rooms hadn’t been invented. Neither had legions of marauding paedophiles -or central heating - which is why we were ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! As long as we were home before dark, we were ok;

In sport we were expected to compete - there were actually winners and losers! If you were unfortunate enough to fall into the latter category, you would have to learn to deal with it yourself (’counselling’ hadn‘t been invented either). Imagine that!!

In later life we endured the rigours of National Service and faced the ultimate terror - the Nuclear stand-off;

We have lived through the bloodiest, most violent half-century in the history of Human Civilisation. The terrors we have faced and the pain and violence we have witnessed make the present antics of a few ramshackle fanatics seem like the Teddy-bears’ picnic!

From an early age we experienced - and learned to handle - fear, true grief, pain, cold and discomfort; we learnt the value of comradeship, responsibility, loyalty and moral strength and when we left school, we had been educated.

Because of all this we are strong! We are survivors!

Were you a child of the 40's or 50's? Then you, my friend, are one of us:

[merchant42]

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.



2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.



3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.



4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.



6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.



7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.



8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.



9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!



10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.



11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.



12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.



13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.



14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.



15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.



16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.



17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!



8. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it!!



19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[merchant42]

Billy Conolly was giving a performance in Brisbane many years ago. His languae as usual was somewhat colorful.

A man in the front row took offence to it and said,

"I did not bring my wife here to be insulted like that'.

To which Billy replied,
'Where do you normally take her then'

He was banned from Brisbane and did not go there again for over 20 years

[merchant42]

" A woman answered her front door and found two little boys
holding a list.
"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt,
and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and
a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a
challenging hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

[merchant42]

The head of the Cotswold hedgehogs went to see the head of the local rabbits for some help.
"Hey rabbit, wonder if you can help us", he said
"I'll be glad to try, Stanley", said the Rabbit.
"The thing is, like it is now, at night, we are losing far too many fellow hogs to those devlish machines with bright eyes that move like thunder along the smooth black walkways... I was wondering, your species seem to be very good at dodging them, you never seem to get squashed".
"Aaah" said Briar, "I will tell you how we do this, and come with me now and we will demonstrate the technique to your tribal members". Looking pleased, the hedgehog gathered his inner circle together and they walked the short disatnce with the rabbit to the A419, nearby.
"Now", said Rabbit, "this is what you do... If you see those two bright lights heading towards you as you are crossing the road, just make sure you sit down right in between the two of them - then you will be fine".
Just to prove it, the rabbit ran into the road in front of a speeding car, and to the shocked hedgehogs' delight emerged unscathed and rejoined the group.
Stanley was keen to demonstrate the new technique so as soon as the next pair of lights appeared he ran into the road and squatted down between the lights...

There was a nasty squelching noise and the hedgehogs turned to look at rabbit...who said,
"Blimey, you don't see many Reliant Robins around these days do you".

[merchant42]

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."


Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern

[merchant42]

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No , really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------


War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield (London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?
******************************


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
************************************************** *

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************


And the winner is....


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

[merchant42]

TOTAL CONFIDENCE

Yesterday morning a man bought two cases of beer on sale at the Beer Store.

He placed them on the front seat and headed back home.

He stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling
up her car at the next pump.

Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light
jacket which was wide open.

She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on the passenger window.

With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a
sexy voice,

I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading
sex for beer?" ....

He thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"



Now thats what you call - Total Confidence

[merchant42]

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN
RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

[merchant42]

Jimmy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

”Ooh”, said the presenter.

“This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”

“Sticks”, said Jimmy.

[merchant42]

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.

I waded along the edge of a lake.

I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.

I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big
trees.

The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers"

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of a outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a crap golfer".

[merchant42]

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pee'd off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.


Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."


The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown!"


The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"


To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go to see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.


There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."


She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!" The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple.

He says: "My Wang is still purple!"


She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."


To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"


The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... Just follow the yellow P*i*K toad......... Smile

[merchant42]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Social Security Offices.


'My good man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told by David Cameron to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in Britian with your wife and seven children – all costs to be borne by the British Tax Payers.'

The man told the fairy:
'Well, in Iraq where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and
-- PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Coast with eight bedrooms – and a Gold Visa Card in each room - for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Iraq; I want to bring them all over here.

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said “I want to be British with British clothes instead of the rags and shawl , and I want to have white skin like the British.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn-out trainers, a dirty Man Utd T-shirt and a greasy baseball hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said
'Tough luck. Now that you are English,
You're entitled to
Sweet f*** all like the rest of us”.
And she disappeared.

[merchant42]

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually, his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well, the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.
“It’s a period,” reported Johnny.
“Well, I can see that,” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period?”
“d**ned if I know,” said Johnny. “But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then daddy had a heart attack, mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”

[merchant42]

Walking Down The Aisle
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age, but eventually, there she was, standing beside me.
I gave her a loving smile and said,
"Get that trolley over here love. They're doing 3 cartons of beer for the price of 2!"

[merchant42]

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that
he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion,he finally bought a talking centipede, which
came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home,found a good spot for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the Pub with me today, We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to the Pub with me and have a couple of pints ?" But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more thinking about the situation. The
guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in
there! Would you like to go to the Pub with me and have a couple of Pints ?...

This time a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first F****** time ! I'm putting my shoes on!"

[merchant42]

As the young girl leaves school for home, a car draws up and
a man leans across, saying, “Hello, let me give you a lift
home.”
“No thanks,” she says firmly and heads on up the road.
The car follows and again the man speaks to her.
“Come on, get in, I’ve bought you a comic.”
“No, I don’t want to,” she cries and starts to run.
The car catches her up again and the man says, “Look, it’s
starting to rain, you’re going to get so wet if you don’t get
in.”
“How many times do I have to say no?” she screams. “It was
your choice to buy the Lada but it doesn’t mean I have to
ride in it, Dad.”

[Lynnrose]

[buzzy]

A professional golf player was standing at the second tee when a tramp came up to him and said "Can I join you mate?" The professional was pleased of some company and so agreed.

The tramp tee'd off and made the hole in one. The pro was impressed but said nothing and so they approached the 3rd tee and the tramp scored another hole in one. The ultimate result was a total score of 18 for the tramp. The Pro invited his partner into the club room and bought the him a beer and said to him "are you married?" and the tramp replied, "Yes I am but before you ask,

"Standing on my head in a hammock"

[Lynnrose]

[buzzy]

[Lynnrose]

[buzzy]

Paddy’s Stuffed Dogs

One should not take the English language for granted.

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow

"Ooh", said the presenter. “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”


“Sticks”, said Paddy