Tell us a Joke :)

[merchant42]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD,

AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to
bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,
which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to
go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing
things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing
from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your
doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.


"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now
" and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire
Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence,
and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[merchant42]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street ;



one from London, another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool ..

They go with a government official to examine the wall.

The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'


The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials,

£300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'


The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'

'Done!' replies the government official.

And that friends, ..... is how it all works.

[merchant42]

Movies are so fake these days.
I just sat and watched a film where a guy uses a laptop to access an alien space ship and not once did it ask him to perform Windows updates.

***********************************************************

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

************************************************************

Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and fries, please."
"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or as take out?"
"&^%$£&***%!!!!" he snapped, before walking off with his food.
I love working in the prison canteen.

************************************************************

Man walks into a hotel lift. The operator asks "Which floor, son?"
"17th" replies the man....
"No problem, son" says the operator
As they approached the 17th floor the operator said "Enjoy the rest of your stay, son"
"Why do you keep calling me son?!" asks the man
"Well, I brought you up, didn't I?" replies the operator....

[merchant42]

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

[merchant42]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk. But we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you. But first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought that - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought that - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old-timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought that it was WIND - but I was wrong, too!"

[merchant42]

John decided to marry his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes...
His new wife was standing there watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke.
“John darling now that we are married I think it's time you gave up golf.
Perhaps you should consider selling your clubs."
John looked horrified.
She said, “Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
“Ex wife!” she gasped, “You didn't tell me you'd been married before"
“I haven't been” said John.

[merchant42]

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out
Over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a
Cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear that you can make out the face of the
Politician you're holding underwater.
See it worked. You're smiling already

[buzzy]

[merchant42]

A World War II Royal Air Force pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.

(At this point, several of the children giggle.)

"I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company."

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts."

[merchant42]

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you nutsting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[merchant42]

Absolutely disgusting behaviour I witnessed on the seafront at Barry Island yesterday evening.

There was a man and a woman there having an almighty argument in front of a load of kids who were there. Suddenly the woman just lost it, she was hysterical and smacked the guy straight in the head. It all kicked off then and there was a massive brawl. Someone must have called the police because this poor copper turned up on his own.

He was trying to stop the fight by hitting the man with his baton. The guy took the baton though and was hammering the copper and the woman with it.

Then out of the blue a crocodile appeared and stole all the sausages!

[merchant42]

1. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"Your room looks like a tornado hit it."

2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.
"You better pray that comes out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

4. My mother taught me about OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

5. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, I can take you out."

6. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in the world who don't have wonderful parents like you."

7. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when we get home."

8. My mother taught me about GENEOLOGY.
"Shut that door... You think you were raised in a barn?"

9. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids... I hope they turn out just like you!"

10. My mother taught me about LOGIC.
"Because I said so, That's why."

11. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until your spinach is gone."

12. My mother taught me about IRONY.
"Keep crying. I'll give you something to cry about."

[merchant42]

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
... Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

[merchant42]

Technology: NEW PASSWORD REQUIRED





User: My usual password is not working suddenly, why?



Website chat assistant: Your password has expired - you must register a

new one.



User: Why do I need a new one as that one was working fine?



Website: you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.



User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?



Website: No, you must get a new one.



User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.



Website: Sorry, you must get a new one.



User: ok, roses



Website: Sorry you must use more letters.



User: pretty roses



Website: you must use at least one number.



User: 1 pretty rose



Website: you cannot use blank spaces.



User: 1prettyrose



Website: you must use additional letters.



User: 1f*ckingprettyrose



Website: you must use at least one capital letter.



User: 1F*CKINGprettyrose



Website: you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.



User: 1F*ckingprettyrose



Website: you must use additional letters.

User:

1F*ckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemea ccessrightf*ckingnow



Website: Sorry, that password is already being used

[merchant42]

There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,

Trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and

Gulps it down in one swig.



"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I

Burst into tears.



"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY.

I can't stand to see a man crying."



"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete

Failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen

And I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I

Took home, there I found my wife with another man and then my

Dog bit me."



"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to

It all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching

The poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[merchant42]

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!
(Stay with me.) Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire'and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.


NOW FOR THE BEST PART.. After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim, and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

[merchant42]

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

[merchant42]

The other day I needed to go to A & E. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue suit and stuck a badge that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.
When I went into the A & E, I noticed that threequarters of the people got up and left. I suppose they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

It also works at DSS. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.
Don't try it at McDonald's though.....
The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order...

Try it yourself, you will save hours at hospitals, doctors, health services, DSS etc.
The badge simply says "UK Border Agency"

[merchant42]

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and suddenly he hears some music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads? Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827".
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, and like the previous piece, it is also being played backwards.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a crowd have gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has any explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says incredulously.
"He's decomposing."

[merchant42]

A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.

Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...


Now give me back my f******dog!

[merchant42]

A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up."

After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid."

Johnny?" "No, ma'am," he says,"but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

[marcus]

Why do spiders kill the males after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts

[marcus]

What is the definition of the perfect woman?

A gorgeous, deaf-and-dumb, blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

[merchant42]

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill.

After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible! How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10.." says the doctor.

"10? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."

[merchant42]

A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex? It was found that men prefered to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with "T":
Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday and Thunday

[merchant42]

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbour was also a chicken farmer. The neighbour came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbour stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbour said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbour stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbour asked, "what went wrong? What did you do to them?"

Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough."

[merchant42]

A man in a bar with his Labrador at his feet was intrigued to see another dog owner enter the bar. "That's a strange looking dog you have there," he said.

"Yes, he is rather," said the newcomer, "but he's a great fighter."

"Is he now? I bet he isn't as good a fighter as my Fang here."

"All right - how much do you wanna bet?"

"Ten dollars."

"You're on."

So the two men let their dogs fight. Eventually the Labrador crawled, battered and bloody, to his master's side.

"I'd never thought I'd see Fang get defeated," said the loser's master, handing over the ten dollars, "especially by such an odd-looking one like yours."

"Yes, he does look a little peculiar," agreed the winner's master. "But he looked even odder before I shaved his mane off . . . "

[merchant42]

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed; he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world.

On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

[merchant42]

A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."

[merchant42]

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"