Tell us a Joke :)

[merchant42]

A old woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $3.95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service.

“There is no hurry,” she told the clerk, “just so the package is delivered in my lifetime.”

He glanced at her and said, “That will be $3.95, please.”

[merchant42]

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.

I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.” “

And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.

“Heavens, no!” the man replied.

“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

[merchant42]

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine.

Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said.

"There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over", he said.

[merchant42]

Only in America
•Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
•Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front..
•Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
•Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
•Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
•Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
•Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
•Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

[merchant42]

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, '

'If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with,

''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid,

''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

[merchant42]

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district.
The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to £400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"


They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

[merchant42]

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

[merchant42]

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school...

Q. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A. Why? He can't see my licence plate.

Q. Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A. The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q. What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A. Always wear a condom.

Q. When driving through fog, what should you use?
A. Your car.

Q. How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A. Be too nuts faced to find your keys.

Q. What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A. I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q. What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A. I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q. What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A. Make eye contact and wave "hello" if they're cute.

Q. What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A. The colour.

Q. How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A. Heavy psychedelics.

Q. What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A. Carry loaded military grade weapons.

[merchant42]

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.

They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such- and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[merchant42]

We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier.

Just as the feature was about to start a blonde from the centre of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
"No!!" she said in a loud whisper,

"The TURN OFF YOUR MOBILE PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

[merchant42]

A newly pregnant couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity that required the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an understanding of what it feels like to be pregnant.

The husband stood up and shrugged saying, “This doesn’t feel so bad.”

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

“You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?” the husband asked.

“That’s right,” replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”

[merchant42]

I came home from work today to see my wife stood in the garden whilst firemen put out the flames in our kitchen.

I said to my wife, "Why didn't you ring me?"

"What could you have done?" she asked.

I replied, "Well, I could have gone to the Red Lion and got a bite to eat there."

[Lynnrose]

[merchant42]

One day Little Billy is at school showing off his new Spiderman watch. When Little Johnny spots it he asks, "How did you get that watch?"
"I walked in on my Mum & Dad having sex." explained Billy "My Dad shouted at me, then later came to apologise and bought me this new watch to say sorry".
That night Johnny had a plan, he'd stay awake until he heard his Mum & Dad getting down to it and then burst in on them and maybe get a watch for himself. Everything went to plan and as he burst in shouting,

"I wanna watch!"

"Go get yourself a chair and be quiet then." replied his Dad.

[merchant42]

A man received the following text from his neighbour:


I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.

In fact, more than you.

I'm not getting it at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

Bob, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:
d**n autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

[merchant42]

I was driving on the motorway on the inside lane doing around 60 miles an hour when this four legged chicken overtook me running down the hard shoulder.
I put my foot down to keep up with it and it turned off at the next exit.I followed it and it eventually ran on to a farm.
I drove onto the farm and seen the farmer fixing his tractor,excuse me sir said I, I just followed a four legged chicken running onto here.
Thats right said he I breeds them,why is that then I asked.Well I like a leg,the wife likes a leg and I have two sons and they both like a leg.
What does it taste like I asked,he replied,well I dont know about thart you see cause I aint caught one yet!!!!

[merchant42]

A little old man and woman were sitting on the porch swing together enjoying a lovely spring day.

Out of no where the little old woman turns a slaps the old man as hard as she could.

'What on earth was that for?" he asked.

She replies, "50 years of bad sex. That's what for."

They sit in silence for about 5 minutes and then the old man turns and slaps the old woman.

'Why on earth did you just do that?" she asked.

"For knowing the difference." The old man replied

[merchant42]

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (75), sitting a couple of stools down had also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that sh1t"

[merchant42]

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".


Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.
What's the tartan?...."

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.”

[merchant42]

The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row just above the dug
out at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with Secret
Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers something in the
President's ear.

President Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck
and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the
dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities all the way down, and after
she lands, the President bows to the crowd, and shakes hands and "high
five's" everyone near him.

The same Secret Service agent again leans over and whispers, "No Mr.
President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH."

[merchant42]

A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients.



1.. 'Take it easy, Doc . You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'


2.. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'


3.. 'Can you hear me NOW?'


4.. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'


5.. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married..'


6.. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'


7.. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'


8.. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'


9.. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'


10. 'Hey Doc , let me know if you find my dignity.'


11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'


12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'


And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[merchant42]

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.

"I've got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

[marcus]

Q: What do you get if you cross an ancient English king with a chiropodist?

a: William the Corn-curer

Sorry, lol. I've got a box of Christmas crackers! .... and it's the way I tell 'em

[merchant42]

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[merchant42]

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in
Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, "What if
the place is still bugged?"

The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind
the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally,
he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four
screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the
screws, throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the
newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service?
How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these
questions?"

The hotel manager says, "Well, the couple in the room
UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on
them."

[merchant42]

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"


Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"


"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every thingypit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[merchant42]

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:




• My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfairhouses."


• My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

• My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."


• "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."




The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband

must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".






Sarah replied...

"Property?...the ar**-hole had a paper round".

[merchant42]

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.

On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"

Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

[merchant42]

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said,
"Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out,
"Come on, kid. Make up your mind I was supposed to get off four stops ago!!"

[merchant42]

A guy was speeding down the road and got pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper said, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going ?"

The driver looked at the trooper and said, "Do you see the woman sitting in the passenger seat ?"

The trooper said. "Yes."

"Thats my wife," the driver said to the trooper, "Do you see the woman sitting in the back seat ?"

The trooper said, "Yes."

"Thats my mother in law. She lives with us. They just had a big spat and she said she was moving out. I'm trying to get them home before they make up !!!!"

The trooper wrote him a warning and then gave him an escort home with lights flashing.