Joke Thread

[merchant42]

This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"Whit wis that fur?" he cries.

"That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she.

"Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on." She seems satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around, he says, "whit the hell wis that fur?"

"Your horse phoned!" she said.

[merchant42]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end,
And when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no
b***s, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

[merchant42]

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.One of them says to the landlord,"Dont mind us , we are joined at the hip. I'm John and he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers,draft please".
The landlord feeling slightly awkward,tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers."Been on holiday yet lads?
Of to England next month", says John."We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles,don't we Jim? Jim agrees.
"Ah England!" says the landlord."Wonderful country...the history,the beer,the culture.."
"Nah,we don't like that British stuff," says John."Hamburgers and Molsons beer,thats us,eh Jim?" And we can't stand the English- they are so arrogant and rude."
So why keep going to England?." asks the landlord.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[merchant42]

SOME WOMEN KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan,

several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.


From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.


Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'


The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation,


Said, 'Land Mines.'




MORAL OF THE STORY:


Behind every man there is a smart woman.. . . . . . . . . .. .

[merchant42]

Gordon the Chicken

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had
several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or
ten roosters, to fertilize the pullets' eggs.

Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into
the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time
so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his
roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from
a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the
porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the
bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was Gordon, and a very fine specimen
he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Gordon's
bell hadn't rung at all!

Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The
pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to
farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him into the London
Exhibition and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result?

The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but
they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on
the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Politician called Gordon?

[merchant42]

THE SITUATION

You are in England, York to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.

Nature is unleashing all its destructive fury.






THE TEST

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realise who it is... It's Gordon Brown the Prime Minister! You noticed that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:

You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!







THE QUESTION

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...


Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[merchant42]

It So True! You know you ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...


1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.



2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list


AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

[buzzy]

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,

MONETARY AIDS TO THEIR KIDS!

Oh, I forgot to mention HIV.... (Hair Is Vanishing).

[merchant42]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Marsh Green, Wigan was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!

[merchant42]

World leaders agree rescue plan – ‘turn all the computers off and then turn them back on again’

An emergency summit of the Presidents and Prime Ministers of the G8 economies has hammered out a ‘workable rescue package’ that they claim will halt the current global economic meltdown and restore the markets to previous levels.

‘All these figures on the computers have got so complex and out of control, that we agreed it was probably best to turn the power off at the mains and see what happened when we turned them back on’ explained British Prime Minister Gordon Brown.

The synchronized global switch off was set for 00.00 EST, with all the markets closed for the duration. Angela Merkel and President Sarkozy took the batteries out of the back of their laptops to make extra sure, while Russia put the abacus back in the draw. Bankers and stockbrokers across the world waited with baited breath to see what would happen when all the trading, banking and share-dealing computers were re-started.

‘It was amazing’ said Robert Zoellick, President of the World Bank. ‘A little animated paperclip popped up on the screen blinking at us and raising his eyebrows. ‘I see you have lent more money than could be guaranteed with your securities,’ it said. ‘Would you like some help restoring the flow of capital around the global markets?’ We just on clicked yes, and ‘Clippie’ sorted it all out.

This whole global economic meltdown could have been averted if we had gone to ‘Microsoft Help’ tab and enabled the Office Assistant. However the big switch off did have some casualties. Alistair Darling was seen taking his laptop into a computer shop in Tottenham Court Road, after apparently failing to back up a document he had been working on for some time. ‘I don’t mind about losing all my high-scores on all the games and everything,’ he was heard to say, ‘but I just really need to retrieve this one big file called ‘Budget.Doc’

[merchant42]

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman talking to a very wealthy friend in the pub.

The Englishman asks the friend for a loan of £100 with the promise to pay him back next week. The friend agrees and gives him £100.

The Irishman also asks the friend for a loan of £100 with the promise to give it back the following week. The friend agrees, and gives him the £100.

The Scotsman also asks for a loan of £100 and promises to repay the loan next week. The friend agrees and gives him the £100.

A couple of days later the friend has a massive heart attack and dies.

At the funeral, just before the coffin is lowered into the grave, the Englishman says, "He lent me £100 last week, and I promised I'd pay it back this week." He then takes out his wallet, picks out two crisp £50 notes and places them on top of the coffin.

The Irishman sees this and also says, "He lent me £100 last week, and I promised I'd pay it back this week." He then takes out his wallet, picks out two crisp £50 notes and places them on top of the coffin.

The Scotsman says, "He lent me £100 last week, and I promised I'd pay it back this week." He then takes the £200 from the top of the coffin, takes out his chequebook, writes out a cheque for £300 and places the cheque on the coffin.

[merchant42]

I HAVE LEARNED never trust a dog to watch your food. Eric, Age 10.

I HAVE LEARNED When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew, Age 12.

I HAVE LEARNED never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew, Age 9.

I HAVE LEARNED Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. Bob, Age 9.

I HAVE LEARNED Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8.

I HAVE LEARNED never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Rosemary, Age 7.

I HAVE LEARNED don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower. Lamar, Age 10.

I HAVE LEARNED never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. Carrol, Age 9.

I HAVE LEARNED never bug a pregnant mom. Nicholas, Age 11.

I HAVE LEARNED don't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10.

I HAVE LEARNED When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, Age 16.

I HAVE LEARNED never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14.

I HAVE LEARNED don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age 12.

I HAVE LEARNED When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, Age 13.

I HAVE LEARNED never try to baptize a cat. Laura, Age 13.

I HAVE LEARNED never spit when on a roller coaster. Scott, Age 11.

I HAVE LEARNED never do pranks at a police station. Sam, Age 10.

I HAVE LEARNED Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. Rob, Age 10.

I HAVE LEARNED never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12.

I HAVE LEARNED Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11.

I HAVE LEARNED Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7.

I HAVE LEARNED Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9.

I HAVE LEARNED never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13.

I HAVE LEARNED Forget the cake, go for the icing. Cynthia, Age 8.

I HAVE LEARNED that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night" Age 6.

I HAVE LEARNED that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7.

I HAVE LEARNED that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9.

I HAVE LEARNED that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12.

[merchant42]

CREDIT CRUNCH REALLY BITING

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife
'They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he says
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping... A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man, 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies... 'so does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the bl***y price'

[merchant42]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,”I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty five years of misery is enough.”
“Dad, what are you thinking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer.” The father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced.” She shouts, ” I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back right now, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay!” he says “they’re coming for Christmas and they’re paying their own way.”

[merchant42]

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were.
When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning Uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways etc etc etc
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it And how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
They´ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my Childhood, they live in Utopia!
And I hate to say it but the youth of today don't know how good you've they have it just like us in our days of youth, way back in the 20th century.!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet,
If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves MANUALLY !
There was no email!! We had to actually write Somebody a letter, with a pen !
Then you had to walk all the way to the post box or post office and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3' s or Napsters!
You wanted to music, you had to hitchhike to the d**n record store and physically buy it!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have anything fancy like Call Waiting!
If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!
We had the Atari 2600! with games like ´Pac-Man´, 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'.
Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
Screens, it was just one screen forever.
And you could never win. The game just kept getting Harder and harder and Faster and faster until y ou died!
Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on the TV!
You were screwed when it came to channel surfing,you had to get up and walk over to the TV to change the Channel !

There was no Cartoon Network either!
You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.
Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons,
you spoiled little brats!

And we didn't have microwaves,
if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about!
The kids today have got it too easy.
They´re spoiled.
They wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in the 20th century!
Regards,
The over 30 something crowd

[merchant42]

Brown Is My Shepherd, I Shall Not Work.
He Leadeth Me Beside Still Factories.
He Restoreth My Faith In The Conservative Party.
He Guideth Me To The Path Of Unemployment.
Yea, Though I Wait For My Dole,
I Own The Bank That Refuses Me.
Brown Has Anointed My Income With Taxes,
My Expenses Runneth Over My Income,
Surely, Poverty And Hard Living Will Follow Me All The Days Of His Term.
From Hence Forth We Will Live All The Days Of Our Lives In A Rented Home With An Overseas Landlord.
I Am Glad I Am British,
I Am Glad That I Am Free.
But I Wish I Was A Dog
And Brown Was A Tree.

[merchant42]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price!"

On the PA system: "Cleanup on aisle 25, husband down."

[merchant42]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded 'Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement a fat, old lady
in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above
the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached
the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde stepped
out.

The father said quietly to his son ..... 'Go get your mother.'

[merchant42]

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: 'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for information about her great-great uncle. Hillary's staff sent back the following biographical sketch:



'Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.

In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'

NOW THAT is how it's done folks!

[merchant42]

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

[merchant42]

A burglar broke into a house shining his torch around he picked up a CD player, when a strange, disembodied voice said "Jesus is watching you." He jumped, clicked his torch off, and froze. He heard nothing more, shaking his head he pulled the stereo out, clear as a bell he heard: "Jesus is watching you." He shined his torch around, for the source of the voice. Finally, his torch beam shone on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he said to the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm trying to warn you that he's watching you"! "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that name a Rottweiler Jesus."

[merchant42]

A big politician dies and finds himself outside Heaven's gate. But St. Peter tells him: "There's a slight problem here, you see the Devil is inviting you as well, so we'll make like this: you take the elevator down, have a look around, come back tomorrow and tell us where you'd prefer to stay?"

Well he does as he is told, steps off the elevator in the cellar and walks into a palm encircled golf court. There are playboy bunnies running around serving cold drinks, and there's soft music from unseen speakers, and he finds out he really has a talent for golf.

The day after he tries playing the harp, and listen to saints tell of their saintliness in the upstairs department, and he decides to take the elevator down again.

This time there is pure hell down there, people being roasted and screaming something awful. He meets up with the devil and asks where the golf court has gone. "Oh that," says the Devil: "that was election promises."

[merchant42]

Constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his
wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super Store.
There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.....

Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ..
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(You're going to hate me for this ... )


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'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'

[Roz]

A Test Of Bravery

Two generals, one from the Army, and one from the Air Force, were
having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the
bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman:
"Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing
'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"

"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like
a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off,
hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the
general.

"Bravery, nothing," snorts the Army general. "Get over here,
private!"

"YES SIR!!" replies the private.

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks,
scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing
the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down,
head first."

"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.

"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"

They look to the Marine. "Private," he says.

"YES SIR!!"

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using
only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls
of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off,
headfirst."

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says,
"TO HELL WITH YOU SIR!!"

The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"

[merchant42]

Subject: Exam Answers

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in
Swindon, Wiltshire (U.K.)

These are genuine answers (from 16 year old boys)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.


Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well
endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels:
A,E,I,O and U


Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[merchant42]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the
hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:



"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

[merchant42]

During a recent password audit at Bank Of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyBerlin

When asked why he had such a long password, he said " Oi was told it had to be at least 8 characters long and include
at least one capital!"


SO WHATS WRONG WITH DAT ?

[merchant42]

Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet dog...and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.


What did she think I had...an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little
to do...on impulse I told her that no...I didn't have a dog...I was starting
the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't...because I ended up
in the hospital last time...but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs
in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)



Horrified...she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no...I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. The supermarket won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say.

[merchant42]

Flight announcements

Rarely Australian airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight 'safety lecture' and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:



On an Air NZ Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the Pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.'

On landing the hostess said, 'Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'

'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft.'

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella. WHOA!'

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.'

From a Qantas employee: 'To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public un-supervised.'

'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.

'Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines.'

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite bump and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.. It was the asphalt!'

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying United. 'He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why no Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land or were we shot down?'

After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney , the Flight Attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas.'

A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
Voice from down the back..... 'That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!'

[merchant42]

A group of 40 year old buddies discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitress's there had low cut blouses and were very young.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.