Joke Thread

[merchant42]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah? well we were married for 35 years.”

[buzzy]

One day the 'Lone Ranger' turned to 'Tonto' and said "It is a long time since we went out and killed some Injuns"

Tonto said "Ok Chemo Sabbi, I will saddle up the horses now"

And so the trusted pair rode off into the night and came across an Indian camp. The Lone Ranger checked his rifle and his side gun whilst Tonto produced an aerosol and sprayed his armpits and his chest.

The pair fired some shots into the air and charged into the camp killing several Indians. Meanwhile the Lone Ranger was covered in arrows and bleeding badly from the retailation.

Tonto decided to guide his master away and back to their own place. The Lone Ranger was now very weak and almost dead and Tonto tended to his wounds for a week. When the Lone Ranger recovered, he said to his loyal friend - "Why did you not get and arrows in you body?"

Tonto replied - "It was my aerosol spray Chemo Sabbi"

Lone Ranger said "Why what was it"

Tonto smiled and said "Aramis"

[Lynnrose]

[merchant42]

World's Easiest Quiz - Or Is It ?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial aeroplane?

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? *116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? *Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get catgut? *Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? *November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? *Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? *Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? *Albert
8) What colour is a purple finch? *Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? *New Zealand
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial aeroplane? *Orange, of course.

What do you mean you failed?

[merchant42]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important
person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.






The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started..

[merchant42]

A recent call to a friend was greeted with this message from an automatic switchboard:

If you are a obsessive-compulsive, press 1, repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, then please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want, so stay on the line while we trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

[merchant42]

The Perfect Husband?

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure...go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£70,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market, they're asking £950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand, after all it really is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too!"

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He smiles and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

[merchant42]

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Number Two Idiot of 2006

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Number Three Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote "this: Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Number Four Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Number Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Idiot Number Six of 2006

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.


Idiot Number Seven of 2006

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

[merchant42]

You know you are in 2006 when......


1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

[merchant42]

Lawyers should never ask a small-town grandma a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a
grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"


She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one
of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of
them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet
voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send
you both to the electric chair." !!!!

[merchant42]

A very successful celebrity Lawyer suddenly felt ill one day and passed out, when he came to he found himself in a place which he did not recognise. A stranger came to him and said: "This is the entrance to heaven, you have died of old age"
The Lawyer said: But I'm only 38, that's not old, I want to appeal."
The Stranger goes away and returns with another person who says: "I have checked and your age is based on the hours that you have charged your clients, that makes you 106"

[merchant42]

Air traffic controller to approaching aircraft

"Aer Lingus (Irish airline) flight 123 please state your height and position."

"Hello soir, I'm five foot six and am sittin' at da front"

[merchant42]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So, you're a man...That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for
the rest of our days." The man replied "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle... My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police...

[merchant42]

A man opens his front door on Christmas eve to find his Mother in Law stood on the step with her suitcase.
She says, "I thought that I'd stay here for a couple of days?"
He says: "No problem" and shuts the door.

[merchant42]

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.


Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
Things you have started and have never finished."


So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
Finished, and before leaving the house this morning,I finished off


A bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream,
A bottle of Kalhua, a packet of crisps, the remainder of an old Prozac
Prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some more Pringles,

And a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel right now !!!!!

[Lynnrose]

A BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES. .........

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square - and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is", she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[nocky2]

LoL ;D,Very funny LR ,

[merchant42]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped
him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's my fault entirely. Today is
my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 35
years."

[merchant42]

An Italian lady, a Greek lady and an English lady got into a lift. The Italian lady asked the Greek lady what was the beautiful odor coming from her.

'It is my perfume which my husband buys for me and it costs $500 an ounce.' replied the Greek lady.

" But tell me what is that beautiful odor coming from you', the Greek lady asked the Italian lady.

'That is my perfume which my boyfriend buys for me and it costs$700 an ounce. Replied the Italian lady.

Just then both the Italian lady and the Greek lady looked around and said, 'WHAT IS THAT ODOR'?

And the English lady said, baked beans, 99 pence a tin.

[ken]

99p a tin??? She must shop at Fortnum & Masons.

[merchant42]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

[merchant42]

You'll Like This One !!!!!


A computer programmer is out for a walk in the woods when he found a funny looking small green frog, on picking it up the frog said "Help , Im the most beautiful prinncess in the world but a wicked witch has turned me into a frog, kiss me and I will be your princess and will do anything for you".

The computer programmer said look, Im a computer programmer with no time for a wife or a girlfriend as I spend all my time with work but a talking frog is pretty cool

[merchant42]

Guys,

Only came into the thread today to cheer myself up cause I've had a really bad day. I won't bother you with all my woes but the day started when I left home this morning in the company car and rear ended a Volvo just before I got to work.

In got out all apologetic and was met by the driver of the Volvo who was - to say the least - vertically challenged.

He drew up to his full height of 3' 8" (old money) and said "Sir I'm not happy".

I said " OK which one are you then?" and that's when the day really turned to Rats...!

[merchant42]

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day.
The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man.
"O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"
A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the
chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear
running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't
theheart to kill the squid.
"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!" at which an enormous
German bloke comes out of the kitchen.
"Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans kill that
squid!"
The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the
little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a
little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid," Hans admits, his lower lip
trembling.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show... That Hans that do
dishes, can be soft as Gervais - with mild green,
hairy lip squid!"

[merchant42]

An elderly gentleman... had serious hearing problems for a number of
years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set
of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
you
can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will
three times!"

[merchant42]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under
a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now
and
I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you
feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a new born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

[merchant42]

It was the end of the Gulf war. The Arabs stared over at the Oil Fields and watched them burning. Day and Night the Flames roared into the sky. The Arabs pondered on how they were going to put out the fires when one Arab suggested that they ring 'Red O Dare'. Red O Dare was contacted but informed the Arabs that he was busy for the next six months. Red O Dare told the Arabs that they should ring his cousin Paddy O Dare from Co Mayo in Ireland.

The Arab got on the phone and contacted Paddy. The Arab explained the problem with the Oil Fields to Paddy and asked if he could help. Paddy Replied: "No Problem." The Arab asked him how quick he could get there and how much would it cost?. Paddy Replied: "I can be there in 10 Hours and it'll cost ya' $10,000. "Great"; said the Arab and hung up the phone.

The Arabs waited in the Desert, still watching the flames shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden an open top truck with four Red Haired Paddy's comes roaring over the Sand Dunes and heads straight into the oil field. The Arabs shouted to no avail, and the truck drove straight into one of the burning rigs. They jumped out, took off their Denim Jackets and proceeded to beat the fire out with them. The Arabs watched with amazement and two days later the OilRig Fire was Out. The four Paddy's walked to the Arabs and one said...."Jazus..that was rough!".

The Arab, while writing the check for $10,000, said to Paddy; "And what are you going to buy with all this money?. "Paddy Replied: "Well, the first thing I going to buy a set of brakes for that truck!!"

[merchant42]

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip,
the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. The monster then opened its mouth while waiting below
to swallow man and boat. As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" Suddenly, the scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!" "Well," said God, "now that you are a believer you must
understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?" The atheist thinks for a minute and then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also." God replies, "So be it." The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the ferocious beast. Then the Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided....."

[merchant42]

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

[merchant42]

A little boy sat on Santa's lap, Santa asked , "And what
would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped,
"Didn't you get my E-mail?"