Joke Thread

[merchant42]

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car

on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches

of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get
through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14

inches of snow today.You must park...."

Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,

"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that some men have, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the d**ned car in the garage this time?"

[merchant42]

The Darwin Awards 2009 Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting-machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his carduring a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a womanhad taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean busdriver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on thecounter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you andgives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquorstore window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which hereplied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friendsand family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost. *** Remember....They walk among us!!! They reproduce!!!***

[merchant42]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room, and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

[eileen6]

A man's cupping his hands to scoop water from a highland burn.
Gamekeeper shouts "Dinae drink thon waater, it's foo of coo's keech"
Man replies "My good fellow, I'm English, repeat it in English"
Gamekeeper replies "Use both hands - you get more that way"

[merchant42]

Who is the odd man out and more importantly, why?



1. Lord Stevenson: former chairman, HBOS
2. Sir Fred Goodwin: former chief executive, RBS
3. Andy Hornby: former chief executive, HBOS
4. Sir Tom McKillop: former chairman, RBS
5. John McFall MP: chairman of Treasury Select Committee
6. Alastair Darling: Chancellor of the Exchequer
7. Gordon Brown: Prime Minister and former Chancellor
8. David Cameron: Leader of the Conservative Party
9. George Osbourne: Conservative Party Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer
10. Sir Terry Wogan: presenter of Radio 2's Breakfast Show





You're probably thinking Terry Wogan...... and you are right . However the reason might surprise you.



Terry Wogan is the only one out of this motley crew who actually holds any formal banking qualifications! He worked in a bank before radio

[merchant42]

One liners..............

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-pregnant dog.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

Fighting for peace is like f***ing for virginity.

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a pregnant dog.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

When in doubt, mumble.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an not a very nice person.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[merchant42]

The British Solution to Save Petrol

Brown wants us to cut the amount of petrol we use.....

The best way to stop using so much petrol is to deport 3
million illegal immigrants!

That would be 3 million less people using our petrol.. The
price of petrol would come down.....

Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the Channel....

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Channel,
hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan ....

Tell him if he wants to come to Britain then he
must serve a tour in the military....

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on
it.....

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since
he defended this country.....

He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal
resident.... ..

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and
provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make
a better life for themselves.. ....

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway,
without the canteen, rifle or ammo.....

Problem solved....

[buzzy]

Office chair for sale - 25% Off

[elvisuk]

funny you lot ;D

[merchant42]

The U.K.Government has refused proper health care to many elderly citizens due to their advancing years.

It is a worrying problem for many but help is at hand.

Join the new free care plan today.

If you are 65 years or older, you can apply.

All new members will receive a gun and four bullets.

You should shoot one MP (two if you live in England),
one MSP, one local councillor
and......just to be sure of a long sentence, someone you really don't like and think the
world could do without..

As part of the plan, you must leave enough evidence to make sure you are caught and in due course sent to prison.

In Prison.....
you will get a safe central heated environment.
three meals a day.
lots of company.
free TV and an assortment of games.
plus ........
[most importantly].......... all the health care you need!

New teeth needed? No problem.

New glasses? They'll be provided.

New hip, knees, kidney, lung, heart?* They're all covered too.

And who will pay for all of this? The same government that told you they cannot afford your current health care.

And as an added bonus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax on your pension, bank interest etc.
anymore !

Britain. A GREAT country or what?

By the way the EU have given prisoners the vote,
so you can vote back in this wonderful government !!!!!

[elvisuk]

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
 
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi'  us."

[elvisuk]

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a
gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"
 

[Roz]

Lolol Elvis. ;D Mind if I snag those two?

[elvisuk]

help yourself Roz more coming soon ;D

[Roz]

Thank you Elvis. ;D

Being a Northerner -- although Lancs not Yorks, I can really relate to the accent. And the 18 carat one in particular, really made me chuckle lol.

[elvisuk]

Well Roz you can not help being a Lancs person somebody has to be as not everybody can come from Yorkshire

[ken]

I thought that Lancastrians were only Yorkshiremen in clogs anyway Elvis.

[elvisuk]

As if you would know KC

[elvisuk]

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should
have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a
few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the
widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and
have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's
been engraved "She were Thin".
He explodes - good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out!
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be
rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go
sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you"..
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were
Thin".
 

[Roz]

LOL Elvis.

And I'm not a man, be it from Lancs or Yorks Ken lol.

[ken]

Ee ba gum ya cood be reet lass.

[merchant42]

Silent
Treatment .

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realised that the next day, he would need his wife to
wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM ' He left it where he knew she would find
it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[merchant42]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied , 'in-laws.

[merchant42]

I know I'm never going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your
upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to
repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'



A man and his wife were having an argument about who should
brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and
then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here
and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for
my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the
Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament

and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says..........'HEBREWS'

[merchant42]

There are three women in a Mexican prison, all sentenced to death.


The first women, a redhead is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from Oklahoma State University and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in!!!

[merchant42]

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

[merchant42]

A Red Indian chief had three wives. To preserve order and give respect to their relative status, he provided each of them separate teepees, each having different sleeping arrangements. One wife slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and to recognise her importance the senior wife was given a very rare hippopotamus skin. He visited each tepee on a regular basis.

In time, all three wives became pregnant. The two more junior wives each had a baby boy. The senior wife, however, had twin boys.

This just goes to prove that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two’s hides.

[merchant42]

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.

Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but instead detonates any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case closed!

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention all standby passengers. We now have a seat available on flight number..."

[merchant42]

An Obituary printed in the London Times - Interesting and sadly,rather true.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense ,
who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he
was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red
tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons
as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.


Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing
the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their
unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have
an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became
businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their
victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed
to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little
in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust,
by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his
son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:

- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If
you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do
nothing

[merchant42]

young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought five items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."

Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.

Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!