Joke Thread

[merchant42]

A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED


Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.
Also, Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the feet I have to kiss tomorrow.

Please: Help me always to give 100% at work…

12% On Monday
23% On Tuesday
40% On Wednesday
20% On Thursday
And 5% On Friday

Also, Please help me to remember…

When I am having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile.........…
But only ‘FOUR’ to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth !!!!!!!

[merchant42]

DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish,
Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

[merchant42]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around,
looking for valuables, and a voice in the dark said, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and
continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you
that he's watching you"

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

[merchant42]

Dear All

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........

I must particularly send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about thingyroach eggs in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in the special e-mail program you told me about, or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split £7 million with me - I think I can borrow enough for the fee he wants up front to get the money into my account.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains and dissolve the grime on old coins.

I no longer buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with an after-shave sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider, alligator or snake is lurking under the seat.
And thanks to your great advice, I didn't even pick up the £10.00 note I saw in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large eagle with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon, the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump, and your next poo will be a large hedgehog.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
By the way, a South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their emails with their hand on the mouse.

[merchant42]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She answered, proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's,
then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer asked her, curiously, why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained,
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"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[Lynnrose]

Lol



(different lyrics, but near enough for me to post this pic, lol...Well, its one for the money,
Two for the show,
Three to get ready,
Now go, cat, go.)

[merchant42]

Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise"?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.
Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
The new Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?

[merchant42]

3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

[merchant42]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hall way, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"


Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time .
PRICELESS

[merchant42]

Tony Blair was visiting a state school in London to talk to the children about his job when he was Prime Minister.After his talk he asked if there were any questions and, upon one boy putting up his hand, Mr Blair asked his name. "Kenneth, sir." "And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions: First - what happened to your promise on a referendum on UK membership of the EU?

"Second - how did you manage to pay substantial multi-million-pound mortgages on yours and your wife's income?

"Third - following your final negotiations with the EU when you committed the UK net contribution to the EU to more than doubling to over £5 billion, has that helped your prospects of becoming the first President of the European Union?"

Just then the bell rang for break and Mr Blair informed the kids that they would continue after the break.

When they reassembled, Mr Blair said: "Now where were we? Oh, we were on question time. Who has a question?"

A different boy raised his hand and Mr Blair asked him his name. "Ian, sir" was the reply. "And what is your question?"

"I have five questions: First what happened to your promise on a referendum on UK membership of the EU?

"Second - how did you manage to pay three substantial multi-million-pound mortgages on yours and your wife's income?

"Third - following your final negotiations with the EU when you committed the UK net contribution to the EU to more than doubling to over £5 billion, has that helped your prospects of becoming the first President of the European Union?"

"Fourth - why did the bell for break go off 40 minutes early?"

"Fifth - what's happened to Kenneth?"

[merchant42]

Only in America !!!!!
****************
The Stella Awards are enough to make us all wonder what the world's coming to!

This could only be an American judicial thing, surely not even INJURY LAWYERS 4 YOU could sneak this lot through a court! It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella's for the past year:

7TH PLACE:

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE:

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE:

Terrence thingyson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for thingyson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when thingyson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay thingyson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more...

4TH PLACE:

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle, even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.

3RD PLACE:

Third place goes to Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor was Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions? Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go...

2ND PLACE:

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

1ST PLACE:
(May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please?)

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and over turned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

[merchant42]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the first man...
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency Officer and the dog is a "Sniffer dog". 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled, the agent says: 'Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds - Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the Agent's arm.
The Agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the Agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The Agent says, that man is carrying Cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The Agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to s--t all over the place.

The first man is really amazed by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the Agent 'What's going on?'
The Agent nervously replies............‘Smithy just found a bomb'

[ken]

I told my wife her eyes reminded me of the Pacific Ocean.

"Because they are deep blue and mysterious?" She asked.

"No," I said, "Because they make me feel sick."

[merchant42]

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,

"Self-raising, isn't it?"

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.

[merchant42]

woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[merchant42]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years'.
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created human's and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[merchant42]

People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'. The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,' explained the man. 'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'

'We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you crazy!?' She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

And from that moment... we have lived happily every after.'

[merchant42]

A man robs a bank and takes hostages.
He asks the first hostage, "did you see me rob the bank"?
The hostage answers "yes".
The robber, promptly, shoots him in the head.
Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
The hostage answers, "no, but my wife did".

[merchant42]

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.
Charlotte , North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued.. and WON!
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance co that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART..
After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning
his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA !

[merchant42]

A tourist traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small border town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, a big angry Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!""

[merchant42]

Subject: FW: Real-life Help Desk problems!



Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
>
> male customer: A white one...
>
> ===============
>
> Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my
> diskette out.
> Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
> Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
> Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a
> note.
> Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it
> yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
>
> ===============
>
> Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to
> the left of the screen.
> Customer: Your left or my left?
>
> ===============
>
> Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
> Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
> Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me
> and...
> Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical
> on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
>
> ===============
>
> Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I
> can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find
> printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it
> in front of the monitor, but the computer still says
> he can't find it...
>
> ============== =
>
> Customer: I have problems printing in red...
> Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
> Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
>
> ===============
>
> Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
> Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at
> Woolies.
>
> ===============
>
> Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
> Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the
> computer?
> Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
> Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10
> paces back.
> Customer:! OK
> Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
> Customer: Yes
> Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged
> in. Is there another keyboard?
> Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that
> one does work...
>
> ===============
>
> Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a"
> as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the
> number 7.
> Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
>
> == =============
>
> Customer: can't get on the Internet.
> Tech support: Are you sure you used the right
> password?
> Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
> Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
> Customer: Five stars..
>
> ===============
>
> Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
> Customer: Netscape.
> Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
> Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
>
> ===============
>
> Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed
> a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move
> the mouse, it disappears.
>
> ===============
>
> Tech support: How may I help you?
> Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
> Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
> Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the
> address, but how do I get the circle around it?
>
> ===============
>
> A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a
> problem with her printer.
> Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
> Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that
> is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next
> to me is under a window, and his printer is working
> fine."
>
> ===============
>
> And last but not least...
>
> Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control
> and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a
> task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the
> letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
> Customer: I don't have a P.
> Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
> Customer: What do you mean?
> Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Colin.
> Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

[Lynnrose]

Aug 17, 2009 20:02:01 GMT merchant42 said:

A tourist traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small border town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, a big angry Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!""

Love it x

[merchant42]

The Final Question

A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the
final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.

If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000
milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its
own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:


A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used
up he r 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that
remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not
have to use it because ...well,...her friend was blonde.


But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the
question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C:
the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith
any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And
considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the
logical thing to do.


But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude,
that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

'I need an answer,' said Meredith.


Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

And Meredith replied, 'That answer is. Absolutely correct! You are
now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million
dollars.

'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant.

'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody knows that cuckoos
don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

[merchant42]

More Deep Thoughts...
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

[merchant42]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[merchant42]

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed"
to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit Cross"
since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists
have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The
last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was
during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing
the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy
has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual. The only
threat they recognise is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines deployed. These
beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can
get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their
allies, just in case.

[merchant42]

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.


Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.


The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in

the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'


'Why?' asked the pilot.


'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'


The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,




'So, what you're telling me, is . .. you're NOT my flight instructor?'

[buzzy]

The lovely people of Grimsby have come up with the following:

SURFER - Posh name for a settee
MERCE CURD - Obsolete radio communications
MAMA MIA - Here I am Mother
MYRRH-BILE - My other telephone
ME LICKLE PERNY - A Toy Horse
A TERLD-A-MERL - I informed everyone
PERCH DEG - A snack usually on toast
SPERTZ CLAIRS - Garments worn by athlete’s
MEOLIDIZ - My annual vacation
YEROLIDIZ - Your annual vacation
ERK - A type of wood
YER SER SLUR - Your not very quick
BURLA CHERRIES – Life’s just a bowl of.......
RERM - Capital of Italy
KIRK A KIRLA - A fizzy drink
BURN IDOL - Extreme laziness
BAIRNS OUT LARKIN - Children are out playing
GUNNA SNERR - Winter weather is expected
RERD RERG - Disgruntled drivers
PERM - A composition in verse form
YER MAMMAL NER - Your mother will find out
ERM SWEET ERM - Ones place of residence
OI! GERREER! - Please approach me
NERZ KERN - The point of a rocket
FERN CURLS - Telecommunications
THE PERP - Head of catholic church
YER JERKIN - I don’t believe you
LERDS N LERDS - Plenty
BRITISH ERM STIRS - Department store
PEARLS - People from Poland
ERR NERR - An expression of dismay
GORRA CURLED - I have the sniffles

[buzzy]

[merchant42]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Parliament House.; one from Wellington, another from Christchurch and the third, from Kaitaia.


They go with a government official to examine the fence.


The Wellington contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."


The Christchurch contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."


The Kaitaia contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "$2,700."


The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!

How did you come up with such a high figure?"


The Kaitaia contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Christchurch to fix the fence."


"Done!" replies the government official.


And that my friends, is how it all works!