Joke Thread

[merchant42]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work, leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more
than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I
got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in bed with our neighbor's daughter.
I am 32, my husband is 34, and our neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been
married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would
leave him. He was laid off from his job six months ago and he says he has
been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much,
but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly
distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to
him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila
******************************
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking to see if there is
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and
hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none
of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump
itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps, Walter

[merchant42]

A guy joins a monastry and takes a vow of silence.Time goes by and one night the asst. abbot calls to his cell."Brother John you have been here seven
years tomorrow in that time you haven't spoken,you go before the abbot
tomorrow and you will be allowed to say a few words but dont try an make a
coversation" ."What have you got to say for yourself Brother John" asked
the abbot."The razor I got when I came in is starting to get a bit blunt"
said Bro.John. He was given a new razor. Time went by he got another call
to his cell and was told he had now been there fourteen years and seven
years since he had spoken and the same routine would take place tomorrow.
"what have you got to say for yourself" asked the abbot."The blanket I got
when I came in is getting a bit threadbare and I'm cold at night"said Bro.john.
He was given a new blanket.Time went by he got a call to his cell he had now
been here twenty one years and seven years sincehe had spoken.The same
routine back before the abbot."what have you got to say for yourself asked
the abbot". " I dont think I'm cut out for this life".said Bro.John.The abbot
replied."Neither do I because you've done nothing but complain since you've
been here.

[merchant42]

Funny Quotes from Famous People

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
--David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed topay his taxes.

"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits."
--Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank scandal.

"He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech."
--Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands.

"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position."
-- John Hogan, Common-wealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job.

"I didn't accept it. I received it."
-- Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches hewas given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.

"I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying."
-- Francis Gary Powers, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after hewas returned to the US.

"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes."
--President Richard Nixon

"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate."
-- Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway."
-- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane.

"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976."
-- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid.

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
--Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.

"In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent..." -- John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an early 70s speech, as reported in a contemporary "American Scholar."


"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
-- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted."
-- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.

"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector." -- Knight-Ridder News Service dispatch.

"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
-- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.

[merchant42]

Something for you to keep those "aging" grey cells active!








1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May....What was the third child 's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers....What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, ...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole ...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language ...is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. ....How is this possible?

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. ...Why not?

8. What was the President 's Name...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, ...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, ....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?






Here are the Answers

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child 's name?

Answer:Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn 't discovered yet. [ You 're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President 's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ....]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big haystack !







IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD



1) You can't count your hair.



2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.



3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.



Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.







Ten (10) Things I know about you.



1) You are reading this.



2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.



4) You just attempted to do it.



6) You are laughing at yourself.



7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.



8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.



9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.



10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.






You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.

[Lynnrose]

lol
and yes, I did....

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

[merchant42]

To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ..

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong

[merchant42]

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally
cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said,

'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said,

'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?

Lord Tunderin' Jaysus, it's 2009!

We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could have put dem back on and made you like new!

Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said,



' How was I 'spose to pick dem up ??!!!

[merchant42]

An Irish navvy is working on a building site when a glazier drops a sheet of
glass off the scaffold.The glass slices the paddys ear off and he's rushed
off to hospital.The surgeon is just about to sew the ear on when Paddy
wakes up.In a panic he says "please do,nt sew that back on."
"why ever not" asks the surgeon.
"because it's not moin" replies Paddy.
"what makes you say that paddy" asks the surgeon.
"moin had a pencil behind it"Replies Paddy.

[merchant42]

My wife walked into the lounge room and asked "whats on the TV?" I replied DUST

AND THATS HOW THE FIGHT STARTED.



One year a husband decided to buy his Mother In Law a cemetary plot as a christmas gift.
The next year he did not buy her anything-- When she asked him why-- he replied you still havent used the gift I bought you last year.


AND THATS HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

[merchant42]

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

[merchant42]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress.."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that, "replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with him? " asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[merchant42]

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter fat.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle...

[merchant42]

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked
how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed
and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies
and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it!
We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife
such a diamond ring that she can't! take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the
cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like
they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I
slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas ! it's a great morning for sex or golf '
....... and she said, "Take a sweater...

[merchant42]

A scouse A/B who had a history of riotious behavious when on shore-leave found himself banned fom all shore-leave for the foreseeable future.He was none too happy with this state of affairs especially when the ship docked in his favourite port...New York.

He pondered long and hard on how to exact his revenge and when he came across the following question on the Custom & Immigration declaration he knew precisely what he had to do......

Q22.....Is there any history of insanity in your family,(Tick appropriate box).........YES[ X ]............NO[ ]

Q23.....If the answer to Q22 was yes please state briefly the nature of the insanity.....

The scoucer grinned with devilment and filled the reply.......

Q24.....MY SISTER MARRIED A YANK ! !

The result entire ship was "Blacked" by the NYPA

[merchant42]

Two old friends met one morning and one said to the other, "Did you ever get that problem with the gas company solved?"
Second said, "Yeah, it took a while but it got settled."
First friend said, "Glad to hear it. How did you do it?
Friend answered, "We compromised. They don't get any money and I don't get any gas."

[merchant42]

"Johnny, was it you who tipped over the outhouse this morning?" his father asked.
Johnny answered, "I cannot tell a lie, father. Yes I tipped over the outhouse."
"Exactly what I thought", father said, turning little Johnny over his knee.
"Why are you spanking me? I told the truth just like George Washington did when he told his father he had cut down the cherry tree."
"Yes, you did tell the truth," said the father, rubbing his hands together. "But George Washington's father wasn't sitting in the tree when he did it!"

[merchant42]

On the first hole, the piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee?"
The golfer felt every eye on the course looking at him.
Again the announcement: "Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee!"
He ignored the guy, kept concentrating.
Again the voice: "Would the man on the women's tee PLEASE back up to the men's tee!"
Exasperated, he stopped, turned, cupped his hands and shouted back,
"Would the jerk with the microphone keep quiet and let me play my second shot?"

[merchant42]

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.



After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."



*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.


*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8.. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11... Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror and repair.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside..

17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of cheque book.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card..

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

[merchant42]

At last Gordon Brown decided to resign

His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.

"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight locomotives though."

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to 4472.

"That's already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."

"Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

"I suppose it might be considered," said the consultant. "After all the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then .. let's look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"

Well, said the consultant, "We could always just paint out the 'F'."

[merchant42]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different..... You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

[merchant42]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

[merchant42]

Chap is lying on the beach in Barbados when another emerges from the hotel, puts his towel down and prepares to sunbathe.
He says to the first chap - "How do" in a Northern accent.
The chap says - "You're obviously from then North of England - do you come here often ?"
Chap replies - " No - first time in Barbados. My factory burnt down and I got paid out by the insurance company and so I decided to have a break"
"That's amazing" said the other - " I'm here on the insurance money as well - my factory was flooded out - ruined all the machinery. I'm having a break to get myself organised again"
The other chap ponders and then says -
"Tell me something - how do you start a flood ?"

[merchant42]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. '

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

[merchant42]

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a Blonde in Economy Class gets up & moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The Flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the Blonde passenger that she will have to return to her Economy seat. The Blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm
going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the thingypit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she is only entitled to an Economy seat and she will have to return to her original seat. The Blonde replies, 'I'm

blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the Blonde who won't listen to reason.

'You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'

The pilot goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, 'Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea', gets up and moves back to her seat in Economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, 'I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne '

[merchant42]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

[merchant42]

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had
several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or
ten roosters, to fertilize the pullets' eggs.

Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into
the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time
so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his
roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from
a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the
porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the
bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was Gordon, and a very fine specimen
he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Gordon's
bell hadn't rung at all!

Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The
pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to
farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him into the London
Exhibition and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result?

The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but
they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on
the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Politician called Gordon?

[merchant42]

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says,
"Sorry, I have some bad news; you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. The national grid comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
"Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card.

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"

"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."

"Stuff me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well!!

[merchant42]

So theres this matelot dancing around Jo's. He spots (unbelievably) a nice looking bird in the corner. He asks her if she'd like a drink to which she replies, "To be honest do you just fancy taking me home?"

So he takes her home and get's invited in, she asks, "Do you mind me asking, but are you a sailor?"

At this point he knows he has blown it but tells her that he is indeed a sailor

"Oh that's great, my grandaddy was a sailor - you're the first one I've ever met! Do you smoke?"

Well Jack's over the moon and he answers yes whereby she goes out into the kitchen and brings out 100 Blue Liners!

"You can have these if you like, I don't smoke and they've been in the cupboard for ages! Do you drink?"

Well Jack asks for a lager but she comes back with a bottle of pussers rum. At this point he looks up to the heaven and thanks the God of Jack for this goldmine!

"Do you mind if I slip into something more comfertable" she asks to Jack's delight

When she returns she is wearing a see through nightie with every ship, past and present on the hem. Jack can't believe his luck now, then she purrs at him "Do you want to come through to the bedroom and play a little game?"


Jack replies
"You got UCKERS as well!?

[merchant42]

A man was seen sat on the kerb cryiing.

Another man went up to him and asked what the problem was.

The crying man replied, "I've just come from the doctors, and he's put me on these pills that I have to take every day for the rest of my life."

"Oh, that's nothing to cry about. There's thousands of people who have to take pills for the rest of their lives."

"You don't understand. He's only given me three!"

[merchant42]

Why men wear ear rings?
I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, "he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."