|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 10, 2013 19:40:48 GMT
Childbirth at 65
With all of the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65 year old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the Hospital and went home, I went to visit her.
"May I see the new baby?" I asked
"Not yet" she said, "I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first"
Thirty minutes passed, and I again asked, "May I now see the baby?"
"No, not yet" she replied.
After about 20 minutes further elapsed, I asked once more , "May I now see the baby?"
"No, not yet" my friend replied again
Growing very impatient, I asked of my friend, "Well when can I see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told me
"WHEN HE CRIES ?" I demanded, "WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL HE CRIES?"
"BECAUSE I HAVE FORGOTTEN WHERE I PUT HIM, OK!!!"
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 11, 2013 18:56:23 GMT
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on his shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, drove up the curb and stopped inches from a shop window.
After a moment of silence the driver said, "Please don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"
The passenger shakily appologised and said, "I didn't realise a tap on the shoulder could frighten you so much."
To which the cabbie replied, "I'm sorry, it's not your fault, this is my first day driving a cab. For the past 25 years I've been driving a Hearse!"
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 11, 2013 19:03:25 GMT
A woman gets into a lift in a very expensive hotel and hits the button for her floor. A few seconds later, the lift stops at the next floor and an elegant woman walks in.The first woman sniffs, and the elegant woman says in a posh voice, "Chanel No. 5. £100 a bottle."
The lift stops at the next floor and another elegant woman walks in. the first woman sniffs, and the other elegant woman says in her posh voice, "Jean Paul Gaultier. $150 a bottle."
The lift stops at the next floor, and another elegant woman walks in. the first woman sniffs again. In a posh voice, the third elegant woman remarks, " Nina Ricci. £250 a bottle."
The lift stops at the first woman's floor. Just as she is about to walk out, she f@rts, turns round and says, "Sprouts. 46p a pound!"
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 11, 2013 19:35:28 GMT
There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
Trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and
Gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I
Burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY.
I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete
Failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen
And I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I
Took home, there I found my wife with another man and then my
Dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to
It all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching
The poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 11, 2013 19:53:36 GMT
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
· Do you suffer from shyness?
· Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.
It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living.
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone.
Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects
Side effects may include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play allnightrounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Warnings:
· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel may benefit!
Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz ...
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 11, 2013 19:58:27 GMT
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
The man says, "But, God, why did you make her so dumb?"
God says:"So she would love you."
He said . . . "I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."
She said.... "You wear pants don't you?"
He said . . ."Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said...."That's a good idea-you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa "
He said . . ."What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
She said . . ."Turn sideways and look in the mirror!"
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and goes to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 11, 2013 19:59:39 GMT
Donald Rumsfeld came into the Oval Office to brief President Bush on the Iraq war.
I'm afraid I have some bad news, Rumsfeld says. Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today.
Well, Bush was just overcome with grief.
He put his head in his hands, sobbing uncontrollably and wailed, three Brazilian soldiers, three Brazilian soldiers, oh my god, 3 Brazilian soldiers.
He was so distraught that Rumsfeld could see that he would get no more work done and left the office.
When he calmed down a little, Bush turned to thingy Cheney and said, "thingy, please, please help me out here.
Tell me, how many is a brazillion?"
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 12, 2013 20:08:05 GMT
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 12, 2013 20:11:29 GMT
The British Solution to Save Petrol
Cameron wants us to cut the amount of petrol we use.....
The best way to stop using so much petrol is to deport 3
million illegal immigrants!
That would be 3 million less people using our petrol.. The
price of petrol would come down.....
Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the Channel....
When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Channel,
hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan ....
Tell him if he wants to come to Britain then he
must serve a tour in the military....
Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on
it.....
After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since
he defended this country.....
He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal
resident.... ..
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and
provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make
a better life for themselves.. ....
If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway,
without the canteen, rifle or ammo.....
Problem solved....
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 13, 2013 16:08:02 GMT
A Husband lies dying, his wife is by his bedside..
He says in a weak voice “there is something I must confess”.
“Shhhh” said the wife, “ there is nothing to confess.
Everything is all right. “No” the husband replied “ I must die in peace.
I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friends mum!”
“I know,” she whispered, “That's why I poisoned you.
Now close your eyes”....
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 13, 2013 16:11:26 GMT
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 13, 2013 16:12:25 GMT
An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.
About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse,
and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.
The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 13, 2013 16:13:28 GMT
A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
" Not yet, " said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ? and why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.
" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the girl thingy cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I ? "
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 13, 2013 16:15:49 GMT
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade.....'
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 13, 2013 16:18:09 GMT
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the wife stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 13, 2013 16:19:37 GMT
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street ;
one from London, another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool ..
They go with a government official to examine the wall.
The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials,
£300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'
'Done!' replies the government official.
And that friends, ..... is how it all works.
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 13, 2013 16:24:07 GMT
On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.
So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive" he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that.... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 19, 2013 18:12:41 GMT
They're real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district.
Misspellings have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday..She had the nutss.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. MaryAnn was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach.
Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 19, 2013 18:14:24 GMT
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought five items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."
Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.
Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 19, 2013 18:15:58 GMT
This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!
(Stay with me.) Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire'and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART.. After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim, and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 19, 2013 18:17:36 GMT
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous,
athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign
around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing,
he finally gives up..
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but
Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you
can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he
does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens
with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he
has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company
to order the 7-day/50 pound program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular
guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck
that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 19, 2013 18:25:46 GMT
Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin . A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.' You put down, ‘Neither do I’.“
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 19, 2013 18:28:21 GMT
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 19, 2013 18:33:32 GMT
The other day I needed to go to A & E. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue suit and stuck a badge that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.
When I went into the A & E, I noticed that threequarters of the people got up and left. I suppose they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
It also works at DSS. It saved me 5 hours.
At the Laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.
Don't try it at McDonald's though.....
The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order...
Try it yourself, you will save hours at hospitals, doctors, health services, DSS etc.
The badge simply says "UK Border Agency"
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 19, 2013 18:37:03 GMT
An English man, And Irish man, A Scot and a Welsh man are introducing their sons.
The English man says "this is my Son George, He Was born on St Georges Day"
The Scot says "This is my son Andrew, he was born on St Andrews Day"
The Welsh man continues "This is my son David, he was born on St Davids Day"
The Irish man says " And this is my lad, Pancake"
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 21, 2013 16:02:56 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by buzzy on Nov 24, 2013 10:33:22 GMT
A huge Gorrilla walked into a pub and ordered a pint of beer. The young barmaid was terrified and went to the Landlords office and asked what she should do? The landlord said, "treat him like any other customer and chat to him nicely and make him feel welcome, charge him £10 for his drink. The barmaid went back into the bar and said to the Gorrilla "welcome to the Hare and Hounds, sorry to keep you waiting Sir it is such a pleasure to see you, we don't get many of your sort in here" The Gorilla replied "I am not surprised at £10 a pint" |
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 24, 2013 17:04:27 GMT
Tony Blair visits the hospital, Tony Blair, the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies: "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm." Tony, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!" Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward is this. A mental ward?
"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 24, 2013 17:09:50 GMT
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some not a very nice person using my stuff.”
She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another not a very nice person?”
|
|
|
|
Post by merchant42 on Nov 24, 2013 17:13:28 GMT
An old salt on the beach finds himself a job in a zoo. On his first day his instructor says "Don't worry mate if you kill anything just throw it into the lions to get rid of the evidence" He is put to work in the aquarium but unfortunately gives the fish the wrong food and they choke. Remembering his instructions he gathers up the dead fish and slings them into the lion enclosure. His next job is cleaning out the chimps cage but again he makes a blunder and kills two of them by trapping them in the cage door. Again he destroys the evidence by throwing the bodies into the lions den. His final job is to shift the bee hives but unfortunately he reverses the tractor over it and flattens it. Once again he dumps the evidence into the lions den. Next day a new lion arrives in the zoo and in put into the den to join the other lions. Being a new boy he saunters up to one of the other lions and asks "what's the grub like here?" "Not too bad" says the lion "yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees."
|
|
