Joke Thread

[Lynnrose]

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place:

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you nutsting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Lynnrose]

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.


After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.


'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.'


'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.'


'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'

[merchant42]

Yes, being over 50 does have its advantages...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.

9. You can live without sex (but not without glasses).

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with the elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

21. You can't remember who sent you this.

[merchant42]

Hoping to get an emergency appointment for her son, a mother called his pediatrician.
"My son has a terrible earache," she told the nurse.
"Which ear?" the nurse asked.
"What ear is it?" the mother called out to her son.
He replied, "2008".
She got the appointment.

[merchant42]

If a man is talking to himself in a forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

[merchant42]

WISDOM FROM TRAINING MANUALS

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - US.Air Force Manual -

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General Douglas MacArthur -

'Tracers work both ways.' - Army Ordnance Manual-

'Five second fuses last about three seconds.' - Infantry Journal -

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.' - Naval Ops Manual -

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown Infantry Recruit-

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.' - Infantry Journal-

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.' - Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.' - Unknown Author-

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.' - Fixed Wing Pilot-

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.' -Multi-Engine Training Manual-

'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.' -Unknown Author-

'If you hear me yell; "Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.' If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.' -Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.' -Sign over Control Tower Door-

'Never trade luck for skill.' -Author Unknown-

'Airspeed, altitude and brains . Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.' -Basic Flight Training Manual-

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it..' - Emergency Checklist-

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley ( Northrop test pilot) -

[merchant42]

True story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test.
The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart...
The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.'
Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?
The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the wheel?'

[merchant42]

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day.
She eases it over to the side of the road. She steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history on this highway occurs.
It's not very long before a police car shows up.
The police officer, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" asks the officer.
And she says,



"Those are my emergency flashers!"

[merchant42]

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on.
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline;
95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to
encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?


……..



............




……..


……….


.....................





Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

[merchant42]

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly
behaving 3 year-old grandson at every turn. It's obvious gramps has his
hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in
the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda. Meanwhile gramps is
working his way around saying in a
controlled voice, 'easy Albert, we won't be long, easy boy'.

Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say, 'it's OK Albert, just
a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here, hang in there.'

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and
gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy,
don't get upset -- we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert'.

Very impressed the woman goes up to gramps as he's loading the kid and the
groceries into the car and says, 'You know sir, it's none of my business,
but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time
you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you
just calmly kept saying things would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you
for his grandpa'.

'Thanks, lady,' said gramps, 'but I'm Albert -- the little sod's name is
Johnny'

[straker]

After a tiring day at work, I got on the train to go home, I settled down in my seat and closed my eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman came and sat next to me, she pulled out her phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

Sitting next to her I'd had enough, I leaned over and said into the phone,

"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her phone in public any longer.

[buzzy]

Undecided if this is a joke?

[merchant42]

I started out with nothing ... I still have most of it.


When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?


I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.


Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.


All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.


If all is not lost, where is it?


It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.


The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.


I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.


It was all so different before everything changed.


Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.


Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few ...


It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.


It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.


The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.


If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.


When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?


Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

[merchant42]

I HAVE LEARNED never trust a dog to watch your food. Eric, Age 10.

I HAVE LEARNED When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew, Age 12.

I HAVE LEARNED never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew, Age 9.

I HAVE LEARNED Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. Bob, Age 9.

I HAVE LEARNED Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8.

I HAVE LEARNED never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Rosemary, Age 7.

I HAVE LEARNED don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower. Lamar, Age 10.

I HAVE LEARNED never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. Carrol, Age 9.

I HAVE LEARNED never bug a pregnant mom. Nicholas, Age 11.

I HAVE LEARNED don't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10.

I HAVE LEARNED When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, Age 16.

I HAVE LEARNED never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14.

I HAVE LEARNED don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age 12.

I HAVE LEARNED When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, Age 13.

I HAVE LEARNED never try to baptize a cat. Laura, Age 13.

I HAVE LEARNED never spit when on a roller coaster. Scott, Age 11.

I HAVE LEARNED never do pranks at a police station. Sam, Age 10.

I HAVE LEARNED Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. Rob, Age 10.

I HAVE LEARNED never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12.

I HAVE LEARNED Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11.

I HAVE LEARNED Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7.

I HAVE LEARNED Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9.

I HAVE LEARNED never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13.

I HAVE LEARNED Forget the cake, go for the icing. Cynthia, Age 8.

I HAVE LEARNED that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night" Age 6.

I HAVE LEARNED that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7.

I HAVE LEARNED that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9.

I HAVE LEARNED that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12.

[merchant42]

Rules Guys Wish Women Knew -

Category: Point to be Noted

Rules Guys Wish Women Knew


1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask
us. We refuse to answer.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.

3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more
attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear
getting married is that married women always cut their hair,
and by then, you are stuck with her.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests
to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect
an answer you do not want to hear.

6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
formation and monster trucks.

8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to
think of it that way.

10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you
wear is fine. Really.

11. You have enough clothes.

12. You have too many shoes.

13. Crying is blackmail.

14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious
hints do not work. Just say it!

16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.

17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound
to miss sometimes.

18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would
look good with your dress?

19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.

20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are
for.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.

22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

23. Check your oil.

24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than
deceived.

25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the
quiz together.

26. No, it does not matter which quiz.

27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and
one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other
one.

30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is
genetic.

31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come
out.

32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you
want it done-not both.

33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.

34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and
neither do we.

35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their
right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut
blouses. We like staring at boobs.

37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the
first two months we were going out.

38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default
settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

40. If it itches, it will be scratched.

41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY
stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack
of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care
about you.

44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will
act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is
just not worth the hassle.

[merchant42]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little sod on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

[merchant42]

'CANCEL CREDIT CARDS PRIOR TO DEATH !

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless .

A lady died this past January, and African bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been R0.00, is now R60.00.
A family member placed a call to the African Bank call centre:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

AFRICAN BANK :
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

AFRICAN :
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

AFRICAN :
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to The credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

AFRICAN :
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her Being dead?'

AFRICAN :
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

AFRICAN :
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

AFRICAN :
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)

AFRICAN :
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.' ( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

AFRICAN :
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

AFRICAN :
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

AFRICAN :
'That might help.'

Family Member:
'Plot Number 1049 , 12 West Park Road,West Park Cemetry, Johannesburg.

AFRICAN :
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

[merchant42]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,”I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; fourty five years of misery is enough.”
“Dad, what are you thinking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer.” The father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced.” She shouts, ” I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back right now, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay!” he says “they’re coming for Christmas and they’re paying their own way.”

[straker]

My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. coli
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
We all took PE ..... and risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.


We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us.
We had 50 kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter......., FUNNY THAT!!


We all said prayers in school and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren't!!

Oh yeah ... and where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.
How could we possibly have known that?
We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes.

We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED.

I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!

[merchant42]

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Tequila.
Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your
shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do
just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a
regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent
you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past (well, shyness
anyway), and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.

[merchant42]

Vampire: "Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all ?"

Mirror: "Who said that ?!?"

[merchant42]

NASA have just announced there will be a second Moon landing . The Womens movements in America are making protest as there is no Female Astronaut included in the landing party. NASA insist it does not need cleaning yet.

[merchant42]

A guy is 70 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

[merchant42]

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchthingy tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying… and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and
stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

'Look Paddy.....there's that freeckin’ 'eejit' that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

[merchant42]

Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.

"So, Mr.. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering.

That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here.

People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."

Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."

The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."

[merchant42]

A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale.

He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells him it's Chet. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put a match under his left foot, it sings "Jingle Bells," and if you put a match under its right foot, it sings "Deck the Halls."

The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away.

Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing "Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire..."

[merchant42]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.



One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."



The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."



Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk. But we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"



The old man said, "I'll tell you. But first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."



The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."



The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."



The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."



The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old-timer, what do you have?"



The old man said, "I thought it was WIND - but I was wrong, too!"

[merchant42]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her
To the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a
Business suit complete with pager.

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly,
'Gee, she's fat!'
The mother bent down and whispered in
The little boys ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread
His hands as far as they would go and announced;

'I'll bet her butt is this wide!'

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off,
And told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then, her pager began to emit a

Beep, beep, beep

The little boy yells out,

'Run for your life, she's backing up!!

[merchant42]

Can you imagine working for a Company that has a little more than 600 employees and has the following employee statistics?

· 29 have been accused of spouse abuse

· 7 have been arrested for fraud

· 9 have been accused of writing bad cheques

· 17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

· 3 have done time for assault

· 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

· 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

· 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

· 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

· 84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year

Which organisation is this ?

It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us inline.

[merchant42]

Actually said in court.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you nutstin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you nutstin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.