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Post by Lynnrose on Oct 23, 2011 19:35:58 GMT
1. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
2. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
3. Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
"Really," says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
4. I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
5. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
6. Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid then I was petrified.
7. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
8. A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
9. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"
10. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70.
"Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."
11. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
12. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
13. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
14. I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked on the side of the road.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."
15. I just met a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. He wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
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Post by marcus on Oct 23, 2011 19:44:37 GMT
Nice one, Lynnrose, thank you, had some giggles out of that, most I'd never come across before. xx
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Post by Lynnrose on May 16, 2012 7:54:47 GMT
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
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Post by Lynnrose on May 17, 2012 8:25:54 GMT
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
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Post by Lynnrose on May 18, 2012 7:51:29 GMT
A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning.
"I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze, so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."
"That's a complicated order, sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."
The guest replied, "Oh, but that's what you gave me yesterday!"
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Post by Lynnrose on May 19, 2012 5:18:11 GMT
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"
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Post by Lynnrose on May 20, 2012 13:50:33 GMT
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
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Post by Lynnrose on May 21, 2012 7:44:07 GMT
The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.
The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a voice intoned. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."
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Post by buzzy on May 21, 2012 10:36:36 GMT
One day the Lone Ranger said to Tonto "We have not killed any Injuns recently, saddle up the horses and we will go and sort them out"
"OK Kemo Sabe" Tonto replied and duly went to do as his master asked.
Just prior to their departure Tonto opened his shirt and sprayed his chest with an aerosol and set off. A couple of days later the pair arrived on the outskirts of the Indian camp and they rode in killing Indians ad-lib. The Lone Ranger was covered in arrows and blood everywhere. Tonto was completely unblemished but he realised his master was very weak and decided to return home and look after him.
A week or so later, as the Lone Ranger lay on his bed he said to Tonto, "My dear friend" why is it that you did not have any Indian arrows in your body?"
Tonto replied, "You remember my aerosol spray Kemo Sabe?
"Yes" replied the Lone Ranger - "What was it?"
ARAMIS
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Post by Lynnrose on May 22, 2012 9:28:33 GMT
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
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Post by Lynnrose on May 23, 2012 6:45:45 GMT
Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.
"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear.
When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear.
The others raise their eyebrows.
"I'm getting a Fax," he explains
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Post by Lynnrose on May 24, 2012 9:09:20 GMT
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: el lápiz.''
A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador''), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
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Post by Lynnrose on May 25, 2012 4:41:47 GMT
Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers.
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it.
Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
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Post by Lynnrose on May 26, 2012 5:42:54 GMT
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...
The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."
The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
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Post by Lynnrose on May 27, 2012 4:57:25 GMT
Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
Husband: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”
Wife: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. Where’s the car?”
Wife: “In the swimming pool.”
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Post by Lynnrose on Jun 20, 2012 21:21:35 GMT
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had returned to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk theyd shared, where Andy had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, Weve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers.
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Andy said, Shes lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Dont believe him, hes getting senile
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Andy said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!
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Post by merchant42 on Jun 23, 2012 21:39:12 GMT
A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."
"Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment."
Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"
A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."
"Very good!" ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."
"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks."
Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-laws home?"
Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, "Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!"
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Post by merchant42 on Jun 23, 2012 21:40:06 GMT
Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...
One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.
"How?" asked the second worker.
Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.
Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant.
"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"
"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.
The second worker was hot on his heels.
"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.
"Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."
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Post by merchant42 on Jun 23, 2012 21:44:21 GMT
A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.
"I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."
"What catch?" the man asked.
The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."
"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"
"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.
POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO million dollars," said the genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.
"What is your third and final wish?"
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney!"
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Post by merchant42 on Jun 24, 2012 18:20:06 GMT
The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row just above the dug
out at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with Secret
Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers something in the
President's ear.
President Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck
and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the
dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities all the way down, and after
she lands, the President bows to the crowd, and shakes hands and "high
five's" everyone near him.
The same Secret Service agent again leans over and whispers, "No Mr.
President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH."
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Post by merchant42 on Jun 24, 2012 18:23:24 GMT
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine, " exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack, " she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."
So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to sh!t!"
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Post by merchant42 on Jun 25, 2012 21:15:00 GMT
Two Nuns and a Vampire
Two nuns are on vacation in Transylvania. Despite all
the warnings to the contrary, they've stayed out after
dark. Sure enough, as they're driving along, a vampire
flies out of the night and lands on their windshield,
hissing and baring his horrible bloody fangs.
"Dear Lord! What shall we do?" cries the first nun.
"Turn on the windshield wipers. Maybe that will break
his grip," answers the second nun.
No luck. Now the vampire is wet and angry. He claws
at the windshield.
"Now what shall we do?" yells the first nun, getting
even more scared.
"Weave the car back and forth. Maybe he'll fall off,"
says the second nun.
No luck. The vampire is beating on the glass now, and
it's starting to crack.
"NOW WHAT!?!?!" cries the first nun.
The second nun tries to remember how to get rid of vampires.
She has a sudden flash of insight. "Show him your cross!"
she yells, triumphantly.
The second nun sticks her head out the window and yells,
"Get off the f*cking car, you a55hole!!"
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Post by merchant42 on Jun 25, 2012 21:18:30 GMT
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.
"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
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Post by merchant42 on Jun 25, 2012 21:23:34 GMT
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
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Post by merchant42 on Jun 25, 2012 21:27:01 GMT
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
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Post by merchant42 on Jun 25, 2012 21:29:50 GMT
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
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Post by merchant42 on Jun 25, 2012 21:33:31 GMT
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
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Post by merchant42 on Jun 25, 2012 21:34:50 GMT
Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
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Post by merchant42 on Jun 26, 2012 17:37:04 GMT
A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of turpentine.
He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy said, This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine
The Priest said, No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.
If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.
The little boy replied, may be so Father but if you rub turpentine on a cat's ****, he'll pass a Harley Davidson.
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Post by merchant42 on Jun 26, 2012 17:37:56 GMT
This letter was sent to the Kirkcaldy High School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind.
Dear Kirkcaldy High School ,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Raith home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the dressing table and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fu*k off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you all.
Sincerely,
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