Joke Thread

[merchant42]

While walking down the street one day a Member of The European Parliament is hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to Heaven, ' says St. Peter. ' Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we ' re not sure what to do with you. '

' No problem, just let me in, ' says the MEP.

' Well, I ' d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we ' ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. '

' Really, I ' ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven, ' says the MEP.

' I ' m sorry, but we have our rules. '

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club house and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, good Pro Euros every man jack of them.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people, fooling them with the referendum that never was etc.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly. quite nice guy who has a good time - the perfect host. They are having such a good time that before the MEP realises it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift rises....

The lift goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

' Now it ' s time to visit Heaven. '

So, 24 hours pass with the MEP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. There is no mention of politics, everyone is happy and content and obviously they're satisfied with their lot. Before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

' Well, then, you ' ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity. '

The MEP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ' Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell. I hate to say this, but it seems being a bit economic with the truth when I was alive and that - as all politicians are - well.....you know. '

So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

The doors of the lift open and he ' s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and all manner of rubbish. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don ' t understand, ' stammers the MEP. ' Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there ' s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...'

He slaps the MEP on the back as little dark imps start to tear his clothing off. The Devil smiles again and wags a finger at the horrified MEP.

' Today you voted.....'

[buzzy]

GLOSSARY OF MANAGEMENT TERMS

Delegate: Pass the Buck.
Pending: What the hell do we do with this?
Delayed: Forgotten.
Urgent: Panic.
Extreme Urgency: Blind Panic.
Frank and open discussion: Flaming row.
Analytical projection: Guess.
Forecast: Guess.
Long - range forecast: Wild guess.
Scheduled: Hoped for.
Deficiency analysis: Pointing the finger.
Ambitious: Ruthless.
Strategy: Low cunning.
Shrewd: Devious.
Profit: Profit.
Profit before tax: Loss.
Deficit: Staggering loss.
Industrial by-product: Our Waste.
Environmental pollution: Other peoples waste.
Pilfering: Theft by the employee.
Fringe benefit: Theft by the executive.
Terminal Payment: Golden handshake.
Supplementary statistical information: Padding.

[merchant42]

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat."

[merchant42]

Wiremu, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd
each walked across the lake to the tavern on the far side for their first legal
drink.

So when Wiremu's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Rangi, took a
boat out to the middle of the lake, Wiremu, stepped out of the boat ...and
nearly drowned! Rangi, just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Wiremu, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross
the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Wiremu's, troubled brown eyes and said,

"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in August,
when the lake is frozen, and you were born in December, you twit.............."

[elvisuk]

;D

[merchant42]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Tiger Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I've got that going right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf?" Wonder says, "Oh yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and I play the ball toward his voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, ""Okay, I'm game for that. When would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick any night."

[merchant42]

A programmer finds himself in front of a committee that decides whether he should go to Heaven or Hell. The committee tells the programmer he has a say in the matter and asks him if he wants to see either Heaven or Hell before stating his preference.

“Sure,” the programmer replies. “I have a pretty good idea what Heaven is like, so let’s see Hell.” So an angel takes the programmer to a sunny beach, full of beautiful women in skimpy bikinis playing volleyball, listening to music and having a great time. “Wow!” he exclaims, “Hell looks great! I’ll take Hell!”

Instantly the programmer finds himself in red-hot lava with demons tearing at his flesh. “Where’s the beach? The music? The women?” he screams frantically to the angel.

“That was the demo,” the angel replies as she vanishes.

[merchant42]

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. You get all of the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"

[merchant42]

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At the town of:- Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,

“Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.

Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”

The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr gurrr kiiing.”

[merchant42]

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Tesco's for a bit of shopping resulted in the following...... Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their boobs almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another Tesco, in this case the one in Cleckheaton. You agree and they both get in the backseat.

On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely in the buff. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, trying to kiss you and touch you intimately, thrusting herself against you. While the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also November 1st, 4th, 6th,10th and twice yesterday.

P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl are £1.75 and look better.

[elvisuk]

[merchant42]

A Texas Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.'

The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority

of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am

allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions

asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.

Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running

for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the

Water Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately

ran to the fence and shouted out.....


Your card! Show him your card !

[merchant42]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America.....



Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES.'






You must now refer to them as





APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS




And furthermore




HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:



1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
'BREASTED AMERICAN. '



2. She is not 'EASY' - She is



'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'



3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

'VERBALLY REPETITIVE..'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

'LOW COST SERVICEPROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MENAND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'

[merchant42]

What to do on an airplane when you find yourself seated next to a real jerk:

1. Take out your laptop.

2. Slowly open your laptop.

3. Turn it on.

4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.

5. Open your Internet browser.

6. Close your eyes for a few moments, then open them and then look up to the sky, or the heavens if you will.

7. Breathe deeply and open the site: www.myit-media.de/the_end.html

8. Watch the expression on your neighbor's face.

[Lynnrose]

[elvisuk]

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
is a common English language riddle. The answer (or punchline) is:
"To get to the other side."

[Lynnrose]

[Lynnrose]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

[elvisuk]

;D

[ken]

[elvisuk]

;D

[Lynnrose]

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine,
while sitting on the patio with her husband
and she said,

"I love you so much, I don't know
how I could ever live without you"

Her husband asked,

"Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replied, "It's me....talking to the wine."

[marcus]

I had a chuckle at that, Lynnrose. Thanks.

Marcus

[Lynnrose]

Glad you liked it Marcus

[Lynnrose]

What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.

[elvisuk]

;D so true

[Lynnrose]

Job at the FBI



The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews


And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.



For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

The men to a large metal door and handed

Him a gun.



'We must know that you will follow your

Instructions no matter what the circumstances.



Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'



The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

Never shoot my wife...'



The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

For this job. Take your wife and go home.'



The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was

Quiet for about 5 minutes.



The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,

But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't

Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the

Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the

Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one

After another. They heard screaming, crashing,

Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was

Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the

Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.



'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to

Beat him to death with the chair.'



MORAL:



Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

[marcus]

Had a laugh at that, Lynnrose.

Thanks.

Marcus x x

[Lynnrose]

got any jokes Marcus?

[marcus]

Lynnrose, not any suitable for this site. I'm ashamed to admit, but I'll keep my ears open for anything I come across which might be acceptable and entertaining for all friends here.

Marcus xx