Joke Thread

[merchant42]

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

[merchant42]

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic."

[merchant42]

Having had to take the day off work to appear in court for a minor traffic summons, the man was growing increasingly restless as he waited hour after hour for his case to be heard.

Finally, late in the afternoon, his case was called. He stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned until the next day and he would have to return.

"What!" What for?" he yelled at the judge.

His Honor, equally irritated by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "That will be twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's what for!"

Noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge added, "That's all right. You don't have to pay right now."

The man replied, "Oh, I'm just looking to see if I have enough for two more words!"

[merchant42]

Cheap Cruise


A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, "Do you think they'll serve any food on this cruise?"
The second man says, "I don't think so. They didn't do it last year."

[merchant42]

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"

[merchant42]

Things We Learnd From The Movies


*During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

*All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

*Beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman; but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

*The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty

*Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

*A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

*Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

*If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

*Cars that crash will invariably burst into flames.

*Stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

*If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.

*Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

*A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

*All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts, so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

*When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

*When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

*One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.

*If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.

*Laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of an invading alien civilization.

*Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.

*All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.

*Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

*When they are alone, foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

*If you are a hero, you never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by your actions.

*You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

*Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

*You can tell if somebody is British because he will be wearing a bow tie.

*When driving a car, it is normal to look not at the road but rather at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.

*Taxi drivers don't require exact or even approximate payment - the first bill you pull from your pocket is always correct.

*Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday.

*Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before retirement.

*The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

[merchant42]

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

[merchant42]

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the city's stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, ?How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.

He bought the picture, but on the way home remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn't much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

The man's many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy's suspicion.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed,

So that's the ugly pregnant dog he's running around with.!

[merchant42]

Back during the days of the Soviet Union, it took 10 years to get a car after you paid for one.
Once, a young guy went to the car dealership to order a car. He paid the money, and the asked when can he come and get the car.
"It will be here, waiting for you, exactly 10 years from today".
The man signed the papers, started waliking away and then stooped, turned and asked the salesman: "Wait, will it be ready at the morning or at the afternnon".
"What difference does it make?", asked the salesman.
"Well", answered the man, "the plumber is coming in the morning".

[merchant42]

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyers for experiments in our lab?"
"Really?" replied the other researcher. "Why the switch?"
"There were a number of reasons," the first researcher explained.
"First, our lab assistants don't become so attached to them.
Second, lawyers breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful.
Third, animal rights groups have no objection to their torture
and fourth, there are some things even a rat won't do."

[merchant42]

A lawyer, laying on his deathbed in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it. As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right. Curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing, honey?" "I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

[merchant42]

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally, the husband asked what was wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again, "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as 'Thank you.'"

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."

"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

[merchant42]

A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army!


Interviewer, "We want a person with a suspicious mind, always alert, merciless, ready to attack, acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly, having a KILLER INSTINCT !!! So do you think you are eligible?"


Man, "No Sir, but........ can my Wife apply..?"

[merchant42]

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

[merchant42]

A guy was speeding down the road and got pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper said, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going ?"

The driver looked at the trooper and said, "Do you see the woman sitting in the passenger seat ?"

The trooper said. "Yes."

"Thats my wife," the driver said to the trooper, "Do you see the woman sitting in the back seat ?"

The trooper said, "Yes."

"Thats my mother in law. She lives with us. They just had a big spat and she said she was moving out. I'm trying to get them home before they make up !!!!"

The trooper wrote him a warning and then gave him an escort home with lights flashing.

[merchant42]

A guy was speeding down the road and got pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper said, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going ?"

The driver looked at the trooper and said, "Do you see the woman sitting in the passenger seat ?"

The trooper said. "Yes."

"Thats my wife," the driver said to the trooper, "Do you see the woman sitting in the back seat ?"

The trooper said, "Yes."

"Thats my mother in law. She lives with us. They just had a big spat and she said she was moving out. I'm trying to get them home before they make up !!!!"

The trooper wrote him a warning and then gave him an escort home with lights flashing.

[merchant42]

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form.

The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.

When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?"

There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'Yes.'"

[merchant42]

A woman finds Aladdin's magic lamp. She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual. The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:

- I want my husband to have eyes only for me.

- I want to be the only one in his life.

- I want him to sleep always by my side.

- I want that when he gets up in the morning I'm the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.

The Genie turned her into a Smart Phone....!!!

[merchant42]

Husband calls his wife....

Husband, "Hi Honey, I was driving to Susan's place along the coast road and had a sudden puncture. The car skidded and rolled over.

Only a small tree kept me from sliding over a cliff and falling 500 feet. I managed to crawl out of the car only one second before the tree snapped and the car fell over the cliff.

"I am now in hospital with a broken arm, several broken ribs, a shattered kneecap and severe concussion."

Wife, "Who is Susan?"

[merchant42]

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park.

He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.

He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun !"

[merchant42]

Every day Francesca went to the cemetery in her village to water the flowers on the grave of her deceased husband Enzo.

When she was finished she always walked backwards when leaving the grave.

One day her friend Bianca asked, "Francesca why do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?"

Francesca answered, "When Enzo was alive he always told me 'You've got such a great ass; it could bring a dead man back to life!' I'm not taking any chances !"

[merchant42]

Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

"Diane," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died."

"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"

[merchant42]

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard.

"Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!!"

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.

"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!!"

The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.

That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

[merchant42]

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.

The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So what did you do?"

The second man replied, "I turned out the light."

[Lynnrose]

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

[merchant42]

A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring.

Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center.

"Excuse me sir," the gentleman says to the salesman. "How much is this ring?"

"Ah, that's a beautiful piece," the salesman replies. "It goes for $10,000."

"My God!" the man exclaimed. "That's a lot of money!"

"Yes, but a diamond is forever."

"Perhaps," the gentleman replied, "but my marriage won't last that long!"

[merchant42]

A man frantically calls the hotel desk from his room on the 11th floor.

"Please come quick I'm having an arguement with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the hotel window."

The hotel manager replies, "Sir I'm afraid that's a domestic matter and the hotel and it's staff are obligated to not interfere."

The husband responds, "Like hell it's a domestic matter! This d**n window won't open, and that sir is a hotel maintenance problem."

[merchant42]

Mrs. Smith found her husband hanging in his bedroom this morning.

There was a note on his bed which read, "I can't take the critism anymore."

Mrs. Smith quickly cut him down and managed to revive him.

As Mr. Smith lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

[merchant42]

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way because tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

[merchant42]

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having I disagreehole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"