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Post by merchant42 on Jan 10, 2014 18:47:47 GMT
An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?
"No," replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 10, 2014 19:19:52 GMT
Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.
Johnny asked, “Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?”
Grandpa looks at him and says “No Johnny, I will not.”
“But Grandpa, why?” asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies.
“Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to.”
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 10, 2014 19:34:52 GMT
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 10, 2014 19:56:33 GMT
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, “Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.”
“Because,” the man says, “I live in a two-story house.”
The Judge replies, “What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?”
The man answers, “Well Judge, one story is ‘I have a headache’ and the other story is ‘It’s that time of the month.”
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 10, 2014 20:01:55 GMT
An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, “I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what’s wrong with me.”
“Let’s begin with a few questions,” said the doctor, “do you drink much?”
“Alcohol?” said the man. “I’m a teetotaler. Never touch a drop.”
“How about smoking?” asked the doctor.
“Never,” replied the man. “Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it.” “Well, uh.” asked the doctor, “do you have much sex life?”
“Oh, no,” said the man. “Sex is sin. I’m in bed by 10:30 every night…always have been.”
The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, “Well, do you have pains in your head?”
“Yes,” said the man. “I have terrible pains in my head.”
“O.K.,” said the doctor. “That’s your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!!
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 10, 2014 20:45:46 GMT
After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, “Honey has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?”
The flattered husband said, “No dear they haven’t.”
The wife yells, “Then what the hell gave you THAT idea at the party tonight???”
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 10, 2014 20:47:34 GMT
“Father Michael!” I shouted to the elderly priest, “Father Michael! It’s good to see you again.”
“Hello Brian,” he responded by taking my outstretched hand. “It’s been a long time. I’m surprised you seem so pleased to see me… You know, after what happened the last time we were together.”
I sensed his apprehension. “It’s ok Father.. I don’t blame you for what happened.”
“I wish I could feel the same,” he said quietly. “I should have known better. I’m really sorry if it’s any consolation. I ask God for forgiveness every single night.”
“Seriously Father.. It wasn’t your fault.”
“It’s nice of you to say so Brian, but I still feel terribly guilty.”
“Don’t,” I replied, “I was the silly fcuker who asked her to marry me.”
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 12, 2014 20:38:45 GMT
A group of fellows always enjoyed their game of golf, but one of the boys was having trouble seeing the ball. His friends kept telling him he needed glasses.
Finally, he bought himself a pair, and his game improved 100%.
Back in the clubroom, they were talking over a few beers. “You’re playing better since you got your glasses,” one said.
“You’re right, I look down, and the ball’s as big as a basketball, just can’t miss it now,” he said. After a few more beers, he said. “Gotta go to the toilet; be back in a minute.”
When he came back, the front of his trousers was all wet.
“Gee, what happened to you?” his friends asked.
“I don’t know,” he replied. “I got in there, pulled it out, and it looked too big to be mine, so I put it back.
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 12, 2014 20:46:09 GMT
An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.
‘No, not worth it!’
‘OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?’
‘No, not worth it!’
‘OK, 20?’
‘No, not worth it!’
‘How about 10?’
‘No, not worth it!’
‘Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?’
‘Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it.’
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 13, 2014 18:19:59 GMT
Husband returns home a day early from a business trip. It’s after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there Is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head. The wife shouts, ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season Dallas Cowboys tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!’
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, ‘What would you do?
The cabby replies, ‘I’d cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.’
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 13, 2014 18:23:19 GMT
“First,” said the playboy, “I’m going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose.”
“Oh no you’re not,” said the girl.
“Then I’ll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks.”
“Oh no you’re not.”
“Then I’ll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks.”
“Oh no you’re not.”
“Then I’m going to make violent, passionate love to you.”
“Oh no you’re not.”
“And I’m not going to wear a condom either! ” said the guy.
“Oh yes you are!” said the girl.
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 13, 2014 21:02:56 GMT
A young boy went to a horse auction with his father.
He watched his father move from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, the boy asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
The boy, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the postman wants to buy mum.”
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 14, 2014 20:06:43 GMT
The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunk?" "Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am ... a stunt driver?"
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 14, 2014 20:51:49 GMT
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?" "Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 14, 2014 21:03:03 GMT
A bus conductor asks a drunk for his ticket. He goes through all his pockets but can’t find it. ‘It’s okay,’ says the conductor. ‘I’m sure you paid.’
‘Never mind that,’ says the drunk. ‘If I can’t find it how am I supposed to know where I’m going?’
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 15, 2014 14:26:35 GMT
A three-year-old boy fell eighteen feet into a zoo enclosure containing seven gorillas. He was immediately rescued, not by zookeepers, but by one of the animals. The 150 lb. female gorilla picked up the unconscious form of the boy and laid it at a door to be easily retrieved by zookeepers. This cross-species rescue has resulted in thousands of dollars in donations to the zoo. It is perhaps because of these donations that zookeepers have kept quiet about one vital detail, a hastily scrawled note tucked in the boy's collar: "Thanks; but we prefer fruit."
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 15, 2014 14:31:37 GMT
Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house. Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler. 'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 15, 2014 14:33:21 GMT
Bob checked into his hotel room and immediately noticed a dead thingyroach on the floor. He called the front desk, asked for the manager and raised a fuss. "Sir, please calm down," the manager replied. "It's dead. It can't bother you now." "The dead one doesn't bother me." Bob said. "It's his pallbearers."
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 15, 2014 16:12:26 GMT
A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment. The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.
She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding."
The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say? The husband replies, "he wants to see your driver's license."
The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town.
The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there.
The women looks at her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He says he knows you."
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 15, 2014 19:45:59 GMT
Murphy's Laws of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human.. to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 15, 2014 19:56:12 GMT
A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.
“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.
“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 15, 2014 20:01:22 GMT
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
“This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,
“Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 16, 2014 6:53:32 GMT
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.” “Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 16, 2014 6:55:55 GMT
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.” The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.” Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?” Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 16, 2014 7:08:53 GMT
An investment advisor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel.
The investment banker began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."
She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impresive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment advisor.
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 16, 2014 7:21:12 GMT
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 16, 2014 21:16:59 GMT
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work,
“I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said,
“I’m glad that you feel this way because tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 16, 2014 21:17:43 GMT
Three women sit in a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!"
"I know!" the next woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house, but when I called he wasn't there."
The third woman says, "I always know where my husband is." "Impossible!" both women exclaim, "He has you completely fooled!"
"Oh no," says the woman. "I'm a widow."
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 16, 2014 21:18:06 GMT
Three women sit in a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!"
"I know!" the next woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house, but when I called he wasn't there."
The third woman says, "I always know where my husband is." "Impossible!" both women exclaim, "He has you completely fooled!"
"Oh no," says the woman. "I'm a widow."
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 16, 2014 21:18:39 GMT
John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. “Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks. “Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John. “No,” she responds.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests. She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”
Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?” “John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”
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