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Post by merchant42 on Jan 16, 2014 21:23:35 GMT
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 16, 2014 21:26:58 GMT
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.
Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 17, 2014 6:59:01 GMT
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 17, 2014 8:16:55 GMT
A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’
‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer.
‘Nope,’ replied the man.
‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer.
‘But it’s only £500,’ replied the man.
‘Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!’
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 18, 2014 7:51:00 GMT
A old woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $3.95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service.
“There is no hurry,” she told the clerk, “just so the package is delivered in my lifetime.”
He glanced at her and said, “That will be $3.95, please.”
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 18, 2014 7:55:58 GMT
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
The retiree replied, "Oh great! NOW you tell me!"
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 18, 2014 7:59:45 GMT
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in nuts up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room."
In the second room, people are standing with nuts up to their noses. Guy says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room.
People are standing with nuts up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room."
Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.
On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 18, 2014 8:01:38 GMT
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.” “
And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.
“Heavens, no!” the man replied.
“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 18, 2014 8:22:42 GMT
This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment. "Dude," he told a friend, "I've tried everything and those d**n mice keep coming back."
"I had the same thing man," his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes."
"That's it?" the guy asked. "I'll do it tonight if it means getting rid of the d**n rodents."
About a week later the guy gets a call. "How's it going with the mice, buddy?"
"Not so good, dude." "What's the problem?" his friend asks.
"To be honest, I'm having a lot of trouble holding their little legs apart."
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 18, 2014 21:31:46 GMT
Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said.
"There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over", he said.
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 19, 2014 18:15:43 GMT
The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.
"Please," protested the college president, "you already make more than the entire History department.
" Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."
He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway.
"Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported.
"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the president, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 19, 2014 18:34:16 GMT
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
“We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,” she said, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 19, 2014 20:02:17 GMT
Yesterday
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a millstone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 20, 2014 17:19:05 GMT
Only in America
•Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
•Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front..
•Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
•Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
•Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
•Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
•Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
•Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 20, 2014 17:23:27 GMT
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, '
'If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with,
''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid,
''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 20, 2014 18:05:33 GMT
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district.
The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to £400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 20, 2014 21:24:02 GMT
A man entered a crowded restaurant and was obliged to share a table with a stranger.
The man ordered his dinner, a juicy steak, and when it was served he burrowed into his pockets looking for something.
Looking at the stranger he exclaimed "Oh! dear, I have forgotten my dentures".
To his surprise the stranger dived into his bag and produced a set of dentures and said "Let me help you, try these".
The man tried them but they did not fit too well, so the stranger produced another set and then another which fitted perfectly.
"Doctor", said the man, "I have always been troubled with my dentures, but this set fit me perfectly.
"May I have your name and address as I would like to consult you professionally".
The stranger sadly shook his head, "I am not a doctor, I am an undertaker".
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 21, 2014 19:06:54 GMT
A comparison of life in prison vs. a full time job
In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8' x 10' cell.
At work, I spend most of my time in a 6' x 8' cubicle.
In prison they get three meals a day.
At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work I must wear an ID badge at all times.
In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn on to the clothes.
At work there is a dress standard, but I must buy my own clothes.
In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.
In prison they can watch TV and play games.
At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it.
At work they will pay for my education, but I must do it on my own time.
In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever you want.
At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your time.
In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my action.
At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next bullet list.
In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball and chained.
In prison you have full free medical coverage .
At work you get partial coverage and your BUPA payments are deducted
In prison all expenses are paid by the tax payer,
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 21, 2014 19:17:02 GMT
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 21, 2014 20:15:28 GMT
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school...
Q. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A. Why? He can't see my licence plate.
Q. Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A. The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q. What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A. Always wear a condom.
Q. When driving through fog, what should you use?
A. Your car.
Q. How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A. Be too nuts faced to find your keys.
Q. What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A. I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q. What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A. I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q. What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A. Make eye contact and wave "hello" if they're cute.
Q. What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A. The colour.
Q. How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A. Heavy psychedelics.
Q. What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A. Carry loaded military grade weapons.
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 21, 2014 20:34:36 GMT
RAF One was carrying the PM and the entire Labour cabinet when it crashed in the middle of rural Norfolk.
Panic stricken, MI5 descended on the area in force. When they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a field bordering a farm.
The MI5 officers checked the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the Labour cabinet.
To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all had happened. They hurried over and surrounded the man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior MI5 agent asked, "did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did. " The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realise that the airplane was carrying the Prime Minister and the entire Labour cabinet?"
"Yep." "Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed, cutting off his tractor motor.
"I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The Prime Minister is DEAD?" the agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work.
"He kept saying he wasn't ... but you know what a lying bastard he is."
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 22, 2014 7:12:31 GMT
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such- and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 22, 2014 7:19:03 GMT
We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier.
Just as the feature was about to start a blonde from the centre of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
"No!!" she said in a loud whisper,
"The TURN OFF YOUR MOBILE PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 22, 2014 21:31:14 GMT
fter discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor’s boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear, dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.
“It’s only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age.” the neighbor said.
“Sexuality I disagree!” The mother yelled. “He took out her appendix!”
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 27, 2014 21:14:59 GMT
A man in a blue suit had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over.
Everyone was shouting, “Give me your hand!”
The man would not reach up.
Suddenly, Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man.
“Friend,” he asked, “What is your profession?”
“I am an income tax collector,” gasped the man in the blue suit.
“Please sir, take my hand”, said Ben Bebo.
The man immediately grasped the guru’s hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, “Never ask a tax man to “Give” you anything.”
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 27, 2014 21:19:11 GMT
A newly pregnant couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity that required the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an understanding of what it feels like to be pregnant.
The husband stood up and shrugged saying, “This doesn’t feel so bad.”
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
“You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?” the husband asked.
“That’s right,” replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”
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Post by merchant42 on Jan 27, 2014 21:21:34 GMT
A blonde named Shelly decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn’t done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment, there’s nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
Shelly: “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape but static.”
Clerk: “Sorry about that. We’ve had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?”
Shelly: “Head Cleaner.”
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Post by merchant42 on Feb 4, 2014 18:13:51 GMT
I came home from work today to see my wife stood in the garden whilst firemen put out the flames in our kitchen.
I said to my wife, "Why didn't you ring me?"
"What could you have done?" she asked.
I replied, "Well, I could have gone to the Red Lion and got a bite to eat there."
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Post by buzzy on Feb 4, 2014 19:03:17 GMT
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Lola were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly Jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Lola promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Lola's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Lola the news she said,
'Lola, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Lola replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
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Post by merchant42 on Feb 16, 2014 9:38:08 GMT
A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.
Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."
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