Joke Thread

[merchant42]

Husband and wife...

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - heck no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!





AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

[merchant42]

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'Start' but there is no 'Stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any 'Re-scooter' is available in system? I find only 'Re-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learned 'Microsoft Word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

6.. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Banta


P.S.
Last one to Mr. Bill Gates: Sir, how is it that your name is GATES but you are selling WINDOWS?

[merchant42]

Three guys died when they got to the pearly gates St Peter met them and said " I know you guys are forgiven because your here but before you get into heaven I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car in heaven as it is soo big". St Peter asks the first guy : How long were you married ? he replies 24 years.
Did u ever cheat on your wife ? asks St Peter
The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times, but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Skoda to drive.
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter and says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year, so we really worked it out."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that; here's your Mondeo."
The third guy walked up and said, " Peter , I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"
A little while later, the two guys with the Mondeo and the Skoda saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden pavement, so they went to see what was the matter.
When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said,
"I just saw my wife; she was on a skateboard!"

[merchant42]

A wealthy farmer has 3 sons aged 18, 19 and 20.
The eldest is studious and caring whilst the middle son is a talented cook and makes most of the family meals since his mother passed away.
The youngest son, however, is feckless and lazy and spends most of his time playing video games in his bedroom.

One day the farmer receives bad news. The results of some tests have come and his Doctor tells him that he only has 6 months left to live.

He gathers his three sons together and tells them the bad news.
They are all upset but the farmer tells them to calm down and listen to him.
He says: "Your mother and I tried to do our best for you boys and give you a good start in life. Now I'm going to die soon I'd like to know that you all have a plan for your futures and I will try to help you in any way I can. Go away and decide your direction in life and come back and see me in an hour"

An hour later there is a knock on the study door and the eldest son comes in.
He tells his father that he has decided he would like to become a doctor and help people.
The farmer is very pleased with this and says: "This is what I had hoped for you. You have the ability and the temperament to do this. I will give you a couple of hundred thousand pounds to get you through medical school and maybe even start your own practice. I love you son, good luck"

Soon there is another knock and the middle son walks in. He tells his father that, after a lot of thought, he has decided that he should train as a chef and make glorious food for people to enjoy.
The farmer is again pleased and says "Son, that's a good ambition and you have a natural ability with food. Here's a couple of hundred thousand pounds to pay for your training and, maybe, eventually open your own restaurant."

At last the youngest son comes in. He has obviously had a difficult time thinking of what he wants to do in life and tells his father that he would like to carry on the family tradition and become a farmer.
The farmer takes a step back and kicks him as hard as he can between the legs.
As the boy is writhing on the floor the farmer says: "You always were an idle little s**t, here's a couple of acres to get you started."

[merchant42]

An Army ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break
up and she wants pictures of herself back.

So the Ranger does what any squared away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected
all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you."

[merchant42]

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 500 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 500 feet?"

"That's a good question. When you get to 500 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."




After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

[merchant42]

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

[merchant42]

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

[merchant42]

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

[merchant42]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

[merchant42]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[merchant42]

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

[merchant42]

Things To Do When Your ISP Is Down

1. Dial 911 immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past two years.

3. Shower.

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.


6. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.

7. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

8. You mean there's something else to do?

[merchant42]

There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!'

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated with the little old lady.
Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: 'THERE IS NO LORD!'

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out. 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!'

The atheist neighbor jumped out and shouted:
'THERE IS NO LORD - I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'

The little old lady shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'

[merchant42]

12 Step Recovery Program For Web Addicts


I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
I will get dressed before noon.
I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
I will read a book... if I still remember how.
I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

[merchant42]

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[merchant42]

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability-The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters-The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15... Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[merchant42]

Two Mexicans are on a bicycle about 15 miles outside of Lafayette,
Louisiana. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a
lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help,
and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in
the trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Mexicans put it
to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their
bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees. They manage to
squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the
doors and gets on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down and sure
enough, a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The lady officer asks
the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies
"Mexican eggs." The Blonde Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a
look in the trailer.

She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets on
her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as
possible plus the Swat Team. The dispatcher asks what emergency she has
that require so many officers.

"I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two
have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle.

[merchant42]

Things you DON'T want to hear during sugery

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness...
3. Bo! Bo!! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
5. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.
7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
8. "d**n, there go the lights again...."
9. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.
10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
12. What's this doing here?
13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
14 .That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16. Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
18. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature!
19. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
20. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
21. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
22. What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
23. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
24. Darn! Page 147 of the manual is missing!
25. I want all you interns to gather round while I try something new
26 . "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
27. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

[merchant42]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked
to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model...

The women won.

[merchant42]

An old Italian man is dying

He calls his grandson to his bedside... " Guido, I wan' you lissina me.

I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always
remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your
Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you
gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple
of bambinos.

Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man...

Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

[merchant42]

An old lady walks into a butchers shop an asks for a Milwaukee chicken, the butcher looks at her scratches his head and puts a chicken on the counter,

the old lady sticks her finger in the chickens rear end sniffs her finger and says that's not a Milwaukee chicken that's a Rhodes island red.

this continues until she finds a Milwaukee chicken , "that one will do she says" ,

whilst the butcher is wrapping the chicken the old lady says "you are new here aren't you ,where are you from".

The butcher drops his trousers bends over and says "you tell me!"

[merchant42]

The clothing salesman finally sold...

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

“Guess what, sir” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”

“Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing” the manager asked?

“That’s the one”!

“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged”?

“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me”.

[merchant42]

First drink

I took my grandson out for his first drink. Got him a XXXX. He didn't like it - I had it.

Then I got him Carlton Cold, he didn't like it, I had it.

It was the same with Guinness and Cider.

By the time we got down to the Bundaberg rum

I could hardly push the bloody pram.

[merchant42]

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.

"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"

"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.

"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"

"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."

The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.

"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."

"Why?" asks the confused clerk.

"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no cr** off an Indian."

[merchant42]

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

[merchant42]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
Number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's
Station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have
Good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh**."

[merchant42]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

[merchant42]

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

[Lynnrose]