Joke Thread

[merchant42]

Three friends married women from different parts of the world..... The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Lowestoft . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

[merchant42]

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..'

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle.

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

[merchant42]

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband


P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

[merchant42]

Three old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. When an old Grandpa walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,

"We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said,

"There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said,

"Sure we can! - Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said,

"You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,

"How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...

"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

[merchant42]

A priest and a Hindu are having breakfast when the priest says "I can see an image of Jesus in the margarine on my toast.

"The Hindu says "I can't believe it's not Buddha."



I'll get my coat ..........

[merchant42]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

[merchant42]

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several thingytails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

[merchant42]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a fel...ony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

[merchant42]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

[merchant42]

TALE OF A SENIOR MOMENT


Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave
myself a personal police pat down. I was looking for my keys

They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I
headed for the parking lot.

My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her
theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.


I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed
that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in time like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. She barked, "I dropped you off!"


Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and
get me."

She retorted, "I was on my way, but I'll be delayed."

"Why is that?" I asked.



"Because I was pulled over by the police and now have to convince them
that I didn't steal your car.

Yep, it's the golden years.

[merchant42]

Male Logic

Woman: How many beers do you drink a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 including a tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your
spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately
$5400.

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the
past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money
could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after
accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have
now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

[merchant42]

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Road show'.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists, who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks?" Paddy replied.

[merchant42]

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.





Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?"



"I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."





Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."



"No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"

[merchant42]

This is a story of self control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.
Here is her story:

While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open.
She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus ... the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was worth more than the purchase price of this gun.

[merchant42]

Little Known Computer Viruses

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

[merchant42]

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
****************************
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..
****************************
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
****************************
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
****************************
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
****************************
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
****************************
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
****************************
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
****************************
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
****************************
And last but not least!
Tech support: 'Okay Tom, let's press the control and escape (Esc) keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Tom: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Tom.
Tom: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Tom.
Tom: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

[merchant42]

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks,in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, where do you keep the widdle wabbits?"As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice
　
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

[merchant42]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:



"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal
to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter:


"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,


"Training for position in United States Congress.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, Disappear for rest of day."

[merchant42]

Two Montana rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it. The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is!" The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!" The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a transmission."

[merchant42]

A policeman brought four boys before a judge. "They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.


"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."


"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."


"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."


"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."


"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.

[merchant42]

A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.

Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...


Now give me back my f******dog!

[merchant42]

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.


The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."


"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"


"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he make me answer the phone as well!"

[merchant42]

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

[merchant42]

Blond goes to the hairdressers to have her hair cut.

She sits down and the hairdresser asks, “How would you like it?”

The blond replies, “Oh as usual”

The hairdresser then notices that she is wearing headphones and says, “ Madam you will have to take the headphones off while I cut your hair”

The blond retorts, “Oh no I can’t take them I HAVE to have them on at all times!”

The hairdresser carries on and is doing her best when she accidentally knocks the headphones off.

The blond falls out of the chair and onto the floor.

So being very curious the hairdresser picked up the headphones to se what was so important that the blond could not take them off.

She puts on the headphones and listens and hears “Breath in – breath out – breath in – breath out – breath in -----“

[merchant42]

A man finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"



'The wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.'....

[merchant42]

98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check
with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations,
three 'nanoseconds' must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,
to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which,
I admit, has been
in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience caused
to your bank.


My thankfulness springs from the manner in which
this incident has caused me
to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that
whereas I personally
attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I
try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become.


From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and
hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check,
addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate. Be aware that it
is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an
envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to
eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is
no alternative. Please note that all copies of his
or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the

Mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented
proof.


In due course, I will issue your employee with a
PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28
digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number
of button presses required of
me to access my account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When
you call me, press
buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case
I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer. (a password to access my computer is
required. A password will be communicated to you at
a later date to the
Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 thru 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the
contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service. While this
may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
music will play for the
Duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement. May I wish you a
happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New
Year.

Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)

[merchant42]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

[merchant42]

Sometime blondes are tricky!

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

[merchant42]

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."


2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"


3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."


5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist
friars.


9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it's good...) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[merchant42]

Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. Here are the Stella's for the past year:

*SEVENTH PLACE*

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.



* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.



* FIFTH PLACE *

Goes to Terrence thingyson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for thingyson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house, because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when thingyson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days, and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company, claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay thingyson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more.


* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for, because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite, because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.




* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania wins, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?


*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.




* FIRST PLACE

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?




$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.