Joke Thread

[merchant42]

Simon, a customer, visits PC Shop, the computer store, 'I'm looking for a mystery adventure game with lots of graphics; you know, something really challenging.'

'Well,' replies the shop assistant, 'Have you tried Windows Vista?

[merchant42]

While my next door neighbour, Ian, was tapping away on his home computer, his seven year old son, Nathan, sneaked up behind him.
Then Nathan turned and ran downstairs into the kitchen, bellowing to the rest of the family, 'I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!
''What is it?' Mia, his elder sister asked gently but eagerly.
Proudly Nathan shouted, 'It's asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk.'

[Lynnrose]

[Lynnrose]

[merchant42]

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds, a tennis court and a swimming pool.
Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"

"Well," replied Peter, "the Titanic only crashed once."

[merchant42]

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her
house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached
the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help,and what do they do? They
send me a BLIND policeman!

[merchant42]

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and
rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady, gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in park?"

[Lynnrose]

[merchant42]

Two blokes sitting in a pub
They take out their sandwiches and begin to eat
The bar-man shouts "HEY! you can't eat your own sandwiches in here"

So they swapped........ !!!

[merchant42]

A husband says to wife, "what would you do if I won the Lottery ?"

"I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies,

"I won £10 , here's your fiver - bye bye

[merchant42]

During our recent flood, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little
boy. As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old hat
go past.

Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went
downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back.
They watched as it did this a number of times.

"Do you see that hat?" said the girl in amazement. "First it goes downstream,
then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it
comes back again."

"Oh, that's nothing, it's only my dad," replied the boy. "This morning my Mum
said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today."

[merchant42]

Speaking of Jesus. I hear that Jesus came back to check on us and traveled incognito. He was hitchhiking on Route 81 when a long haul trucker picked him up. During the ride the trucker shared his bottled water and lunch with Jesus. At length, he offered to share his marijuana. Jesus, being unfamiliar with the stuff accepted. With the doobie finished, Jesus decided the trucker was a good and generous man and to reveal who he was to him. "I'm Jesus Christ," he said. "I told you that was some good sh*t, didn't I?" The trucker said.

[merchant42]

Jails and Nursing Homes

Here's the way it should be:

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.
This would correct two things in one motion:

Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
All meals and snacks would be brought to them
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.
Simple clothing - ie., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.
There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.
Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.
They would receive daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.


As for the criminals:

They would receive cold food.
They would be left alone and unsupervised.
They would receive showers once a week.
They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.
They would have no hope of ever getting out.
"Sounds like justice to me!"

[merchant42]

A COMPUTER POEM FOR THOSE OVER FORTY
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean,
And ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my girlfriend.
A gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean different things,
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a three-inch floppy,
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut, you did with a pocket knife.
Paste, you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home.
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

[merchant42]

Three monks decided to practise meditation together. they sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.

When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my the other underwear to dry." He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way. The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.

Undeterred, the yogi climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.

After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"

[merchant42]

John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a
10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The catch was, though, pets
weren't allowed on the cruise. So John decided to leave his cat
with his best friend, Al.

Al agreed to come over to John's house and live with his mom for
the duration of the cruise. John told Al, "Just feed the cat three
meals a day, and take good care of him. He's my prize-winning
cat!" And with that, he left.

The next day, John phoned Al on his cell phone and asked, "How are
things?" To which Al responded, "Things are fine."

"How's Mom?"

"Mom's fine."

"How's the cat?"

"The cat's fine." Satisfied, John hung up.


Next day, John called Al again, asking the same questions.

"How are things?"

"Things are fine."

"How's Mom?"

"Mom's fine."

"How's the cat?"

"The cat's DEAD."

"WHAT?!?" John was quite distressed. "How could you let it die?
It was my prize cat!"

"Well, John, I'm sorry, but I couldn't do anything, I didn't see
it. But what I think happened was that the cat was on the roof,
fell off, and broke his leg. Then, he hobbled out into the road,
and got run over."

John was cooling down a bit now, and said, "Well, couldn't you
have tried to break it to me over time? You could have said it
bit by bit. For example, you could have first said 'The cat's on
the roof', then the next day said 'The cat fell off the roof, and
broke its leg', see what I'm saying."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. See you later, John."

"Ok... bye." John hung up.

The next day, John phoned Al again.

"How are things?"

"Things are fine."

"How's Mom?"

"Umh," Al said, "Mom's on the roof."

[merchant42]

Text talk for the older generation.

ATD.............At The Doctors.
BFF..............Best Friend Fell.
BTW.............Bring the Wheelchair.
BYOT............Bring Your Own Teeth....
FWIW...........Forgot Where I Was.
GGPBL..........Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low.
GHA.............Got Heartburn Again.
IMHAO...........Is My Hearing Aid On.
LMDO...........Laughing My Dentures Out.
OMMR..........On My Massage Recliner.
OMSG .........Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFLACGU....Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up.
TTYL............Talk To You Louder.

[merchant42]

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.


The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.


'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'


That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'


No response.


So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'


Still no response.


Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'


Again he gets no response.


So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'


Again there is no response.


So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'





'For God’s sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

[merchant42]

A man is madly in love with a princess and wants to propose, but an evil witch has cast a spell on him, and now he can say only one word a year.

So he waits 14 agonizing years – accumulating all his words – before approaching his beloved. Finally, the big day arrives. When he sees her, his heart skips a beat.

He gathers his nerve, drops to his knees, and intones, "My darling, I have waited many years to say this – will you marry me?"

The princess turns around, smiles, and says, "Pardon?"

[merchant42]

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals
from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.

At a thingytail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.

He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these
conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

[merchant42]

An American tourist in London got split up from the main group and rather than waste time trying to find them he decided to to sample the beer in some of the West End's finest taverns.

As he staggered out of the eighth establishment he had an uncontrollable urge to relieve himself. Just as he unzipped his trousers he was tapped on the shoulders by one of London's finest who said "Excuse me sir, but you can't do that here. It's indecent and it's against the law."

"Aw shucks," replied the Texan tourist, "I've been drinking and I'm desperate to go for a pee."

"In that case, sir, follow me." With that he took the tourist down a narrow street and through a pair of large, ornamental gates into a beautiful garden with manicured lawns, close-cropped topiary shrubbery and tall trees. "There you go, sir, pick a bush, unzip and whizz away to your heart's content."

"Gee whiz," asked Chuck, "is this what you call British hospitality?" "No, sir", replied the police constable, "this is what we call the French Embassy."

[merchant42]

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
"Hello - How are you!
We've been waiting for you!
Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.


While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery.

I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.
And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
" Czechoslovakia .."


Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry...

[merchant42]

Late one night, Jack took a short cut through a graveyard.
Hearing a tapping sound, he felt a little scared, but kept going. As the tapping grew louder, he became more frightened.
Finally, he found a man chiseling a gravestone.
"Thank goodness", Jack said to the man with relief. "You gave me quite a fright. What are you doing?"
"They spelled my name wrong", replied the man.

[merchant42]

We shouldn't laugh at other peoples' misfortune, but the black humour of the British soldier, sailor or airman/woman always makes me chuckle, none more so than this snippet I read in today's newspaper.

A British soldier in hospital after losing a leg as a result of a Taliban land mine in Afghanistan was visited by a bunch of his mates.

They brought with them an eye patch, a parrot, one crutch and a book on running! Apparently, the recipient of these "gifts" laughed so much that he nearly fell out of bed.

[merchant42]

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and
guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we
were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a
low, reassuring voice, close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong,
calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward
along my calves. Slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His
touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my
thighs, I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse
was pounding.

I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage and
then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled
sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his
hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my
panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting
and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge.

A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me
what he Wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . .. . ..

"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

[merchant42]

Big Shuggy and Wee Chic ur staggerin hame efter a night oan the tiles. They've nae money left tae get a taxi an aw the buses are finished. Wee Chic looks up fae the gutter an says 'Hey, look Shug - its the bus gairrige'. Shuggy hus a brainwave an says tae Chic, ' Get in ther an steal a bus so we can drive hame an Ah'll stay oot here an keep a look oot fur the polis'.

So Chic breaks intae the gairrige an is awey fur twinty minnites or mair while Shuggy is wunderin whit the hell hes up tae.
Then Shuggy sticks his heid aroon the door an sees Chic runnin aroon fae bus tae bus lookin right wurrit. 'Whit the hell ur ye up tae Chic, get a move oan!', tae which Chic replies, 'Ah canny find a nummer 7 onywhere Shuggy'.

Shuggy hauds his heid in his hauns in disbelief an shouts, ' Ye daft eejit Chic. Steal a nummer 9 an we'll get aff at the roondaboot an walk the rest'

[merchant42]

The captain of the cruise liner fell down the stairs on to the promenade deck. The cruise director saw him fall and rushed to his aide. "Captain," he said, " did you miss a step?"

"No," said the captain, " I'm pretty sure I hit every one!

[merchant42]

A lion, a gorilla and a chicken were bragging in a bar.

"I am the greatest," said the gorilla. "When I beat my chest everyone backs away respectfully."

"No, I am the greatest," said the lion. "When I roar everyone in earshot runs away screaming."

"Ha!" said the chicken. "You should see the worldwide media reaction if I so much as sneeze..."

[merchant42]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[merchant42]

A woman has been found dead at the bottom of the Thames in a suitcase.

Who said men can't pack