Joke Thread

[merchant42]

This one is for Ken......!!!!

For twenty years the skipper had marched from one side of the bridge to the other, looking in his big black book' every time his big passenger liner had come into port' the bridge would be a flurry of orders and the pilot would be shouting at the helmsman' there would be orders for the engine room' cadets would be running about and then the engines would be silent, and the wheel at mid-ships......the skipper would close his black book and put it onto the chart table and they would all disappear. the quartermaster was cleaning up when he noticed the black book, temptation got the better of him' he slowly opened it....and in big red letters it said PORT IS LEFT......STARBOARD IS RIGHT.

[merchant42]

A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the fourth time this week and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, So you can forget about three. You only get one wish."
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too scared to fly and I get very seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there?"
The genie laughed and replied, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete....How much steel!!!! No think of another wish."
The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. He said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said I don't care and that I'm insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. To know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, To know why they are crying, To know what they want when they say "nothing"...."
The genie replies "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

[merchant42]

Two snakes wriggling through the jungle, one said to the other "hey Sid are we poisonous snakes" Sid replied "no" the first one then said "thank F for that, I've just bitten me lip".

[merchant42]

A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before find themselves
in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial
embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top
bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans
over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm freezing and I was
wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans
out and with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea .let's
kidd-on wir married. " Why not," giggles the woman. Good", he replies.
"Get your own blanket"

[merchant42]

You've got to love the Irish;
This is a transaction of the actual radio conversation between the British and Irish off the coast of Kerry in October 1998 and released by the admiralty in January 2001.

IRISH; "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid
a collision".
BRITISH; "Recommend 'YOU' divert 'YOUR' course 15 to the north to avoid
a collision".

IRISH; "Negative, You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
south to avoid collision"

BRITISH; "This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship, I say again, Divert
your course 15 degrees".

IRISH; " 'Negative', I say, divert 'YOUR' course.

BRITISH; " THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER SUPPORT SHIP 'R.F.A. WAVE
RULER', THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE R.F.A'S
ATLANTIC FLEET,
WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DISTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS
AND NUMEROUS OTHER SUPPORT VESSELS, I DEMAND YOU
CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT
IS, CHANGE COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER
MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFTY OF
THESE SHIPS";



IRISH; "We are a Lighthouse.......................'YOUR CALL' "

[merchant42]

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, is a good cook, cleans and has a well paying job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh and laughs at your jokes.

3. It's important to have a woman whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is superb in bed and who loves being with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other!

[merchant42]

A Sailor sent an e-mail to his wife, informing her that his ship would be returning a day early. Arriving home, he found his wife with another man. Upset, he stormed off and got a room at the nearest hotel to decide what to do next. His thoughts were interrupted by a call from his mother-in-law.

"Bill" she said, "I checked with my daughter and, as I expected, there is a perfectly good explanation for this whole episode."

"This I’ve got to hear," the Sailor said.

"It was an honest mistake," the mother-in -law said. " She never got your e-mail!"

[merchant42]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[merchant42]

Final wishes

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman were captured while
fighting in Iraq, and the leader of their captors said: "we're going to
line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But
first, you
each can make a final wish."

The Scotsman says: "I'd like to hear Flower of Scotland just one more time
to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the style of the
Royal Scots Dragoon Guards."

The Irishman says: "I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind
me of the Emerald Isle, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with
Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune."


The Welshman says: "I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to
remind me of the Land of my Fathers, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice
Choir."


The Englishman said: "I'd like to be shot first..."

[merchant42]

A warning for you and any of your friends who may be regular customers at Tesco. Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Simply going out to get some shopping turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!

Here's how the scam works.

Two seriously good looking 21 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windowlene, with their cleavage almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another shopping centre. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on Feb 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
Mar 2nd, 4th, three times on the 5th, three times just yesterday, and very
likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy more wallets.

[merchant42]

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "I came upon a gang of macho pirates who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest, meanest, nastiest one. I smacked him on the head, knocked the parrot off his shoulder, ripped out his ear ring and threw it on the ground and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" The man replies, "Just a couple of minutes ago..."

[merchant42]

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that a Pan Am 747 listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."

Two:

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

[merchant42]

Two Glasgo Celtic supporters are watching the match when Celtic score. One of the lads has his dog with him and the wee dog stands up on its hind legs and claps his paws together in celebration. "God but that's clever" says the other one. "That's nothing" says the owner "When Rangers score he does somersaults" "That's marvellous" says his mate "How many does he do?" "That all depends on how hard I kick him up the ars*" came the reply.

[merchant42]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[merchant42]

Got stopped by the police last night on the M25.
"Had a drink have we sir?" Asked the officer peering through my window.
”Not a drop. Why do you ask?" I slurred.
"We can discuss this further if you'd just step out of your aeroplane."

[merchant42]

A young boy had just got his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I have observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

[merchant42]

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers
in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded
but, boy, are these funny!!!

1 Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

[merchant42]

A man is standing at the pedestrian lights waiting to cross the road, when he looks at the other side and sees a blind man with a dog. The dog leads the blind man straight across the road, against the lights. Cars swerve wildly, horns blare, people shout, but the man and dog get safely across the road. The first man runs up to the blind man and says, “That dog of yours nearly got you killed!” Very calmly the blind man takes a biscuit from his pocket and gives it to the dog. “Didn’t you hear me?” the first man says, “That bloody dog nearly killed you and now you’re rewarding it with a biscuit!”
The blind man says, “I’m just checking where its mouth is so I can boot it up the a**e!”

[merchant42]

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.



Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"



(Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?)

[merchant42]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"



Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

[merchant42]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."



The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"



The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."



The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"



The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"



The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."



A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?



The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

[merchant42]

The Frog and Golfer...

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to drive when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn'tsee anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the hole. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas
"They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,"Ribbit KissMe."
He figures why not,since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 18-year-old girl.


"And that,your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

[merchant42]

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the
difference between these two words.

In a recently held linguistic competition held in London and attended
by supposedly the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese
man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5
minutes.

The final question was:
How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a
way that is easy to understand.

Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer -

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED,
and when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are
COMPLETELY FINISHED!!

[merchant42]

Timmy writes to Santa

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I
would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for
Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.*
Merry Christmas,*
Santa Claus***
* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract,
set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this
joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at
my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit
trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it
a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been
on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be
more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I
alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social
skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the
bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends
into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys
and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console,
my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees
you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your
**** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll
all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you
asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *

Timmy,
That’s what I thought you little bast**d.
Santa

[merchant42]

A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, “Come starboard.”

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, “Could you bring the ship with you?

[merchant42]

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!

Q..
Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

[merchant42]

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Fairy of the River appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Fairy of the River went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Fairy of the River asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Fairy of the River again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Fairy of the River asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Fairy of the River went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Fairy of the River asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Fairy of the River was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Fairy of the River again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Fairy of the River, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Fairy of the River went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Fairy of the River asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Fairy of the River was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, Fairy of the River. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Angelina Jolie. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Great Fairy of the River, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

[merchant42]

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very
shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on
holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run
the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about
selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll
ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom
won’t even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to
the shop, put out his hand and said "350"..
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of
her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his
legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between
his legs. "Yes "!!!! she screamed " He's got one hanging there"....!
The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50......................

He's the bl**dy window cleaner"!!!!!!!

[merchant42]

A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him."

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.

"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!"

The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot!"

[merchant42]

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and suddenly he hears some music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads? Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827".
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, and like the previous piece, it is also being played backwards.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a crowd have gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has any explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says incredulously.
"He's decomposing."