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Post by merchant42 on Nov 24, 2013 17:18:20 GMT
The next day a father and his small son are visiting the lion enclosure, the father explains to the son how ferocious and strong lions are. The boy is taking it all in very seriously. In the end the son asks "If the lion gets out of its cage and eats you up" Yes son says the father. "Which bus do I get home?
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 24, 2013 17:20:26 GMT
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking towards them.
"Let's not fight about it," the husband said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," replied the Communist Party official, and walked on
But the woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!"
To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain dear."
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 24, 2013 17:23:38 GMT
Adam asks God for a mate.
God replies. "You shall have the best of all companions, you will call her Woman. She will be beautiful and intelligent and good natured. She will cook for you, clean for you and take care of your every need without complaint. Your life will be one of undiluted pleasure.
Sounds great says Adam What do I have to do to get her?
God replies, You must give up an arm, a leg, a kidney, a rib and your left eye.
Adam thinks for a second then says, And what do I get for just a rib?
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 24, 2013 17:24:51 GMT
A Vicar holidaying on a large cruise liner was invited by the Captain to take the Sunday service in the ballroom. The passengers filed in until the ballroom was packed. Before the Vicar arrived with the Captain, however, there was a sudden puff of red smoke and in the centre of the ballroom there stood the devil. Pandemonium ensued as passengers fled in all directions and the ballroom was emptied in seconds, apart from one elderly gentlemen who sat quietly in the front row. The devil glared at him and roared "Do you know who I am?". "Yep" replied the elderly passenger "youre the devil". To which the devil replied: "You know I am the devil and yet you are not frightened of me, why is that". The elderly gentleman looked calmly at him before replying, "I guess it's because I've been married to your sister for 25 years"!
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 25, 2013 19:01:40 GMT
A Chaplain got stopped for speeding on a motorway. He wound his window down, so that the Police officer could speak to him, and as he did so the officer saw an empty bottle lying on the passenger seat. "Have you been drinking Sir" he asked, to which the Chaplain replied "No officer only water". The officer replied, "That's strange Sir because I can smell wine". "Good grief" said the Chaplain in a shocked voice "he's gone and done it again!"
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 25, 2013 19:05:59 GMT
A German Shepherd went to a Western Union telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another "Woof" for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "That would make no sense at all."
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 25, 2013 19:06:32 GMT
A guy is driving through the countryside and suddenly develops car trouble. The highway is rather deserted, and having no other choice, he pulls his car over. Fortunately he sees a farmhouse a little ways up, and walks there in hope of using a phone to call for help.
At the house a farmer answers the door, and hearing the man's plight, welcomes him in to use the phone. While the man is on the phone calling a towing service, he notices something odd in the farmer's backyard - a pig with a wooden leg. Waiting for the tow truck, the two strike up a conversation.
The man can't help his curiosity and asks the farmer, "Was that a pig with a wooden leg I saw in your yard?" "Sure was," the farmer replies. The man says, "I have to know, why does the pig have a wooden leg?"
"Well, that's a very special pig," the farmer says. "One day, I tripped and sprained my ankle near the highway. That pig pulled me from harm's way and went to the house, got my wife, and let her know I was in trouble."
"Wow," the man said. "I don't know of many dogs that could do that. That is a special pig. But, please tell me, why does the pig have a wooden leg?"
"Well, as I was saying," the farmer replied, "that's a very special pig. One day me and the Mrs. were asleep in bed, when the house caught on fire. That pig ran upstairs, jumped on the bed, woke the both of us up, and sure as I'm talking to you today, saved our lives."
"I understand that pig is very special," the man says, getting a little frustrated, "But, please tell me. Why does the pig have a wooden leg?"
"Well," the farmer replied, "a pig as special as that, you wouldn't want to eat him all at once now, would you?"
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 25, 2013 19:09:04 GMT
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, & good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. When does a woman most want a man's company?
A. When he owns it.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. If you slice them very thinly it takes 3 average size men.
Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes
Q. Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge & go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed & go to the fridge.
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 25, 2013 19:28:57 GMT
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it to the den.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they're sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 25, 2013 19:39:56 GMT
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1950.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
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Post by buzzy on Nov 26, 2013 11:57:26 GMT
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 26, 2013 18:48:32 GMT
A nice old lady goes to see her doctor.
“Doctor, I’ got a little problem with gas.
I have to say that it doesn’t bother me too much,
because when I break wind it doesn’t smell at all and they are always silent,
By the way, for this very reason I’m sure you haven’t noticed but I have broken wind at least ten times since I came into your surgery!”
“I see” said the Doctor. “Take these pills and come back to see me in a week”.
The following week the old lady goes back to see the Doctor.
“I don’t know what you gave me ...when I break wind it’s still silent, but it smells horribly!"
“Very good” says the Doctor, “Now we’ve fixed the problem with your sinuses we can deal with the hearing problem...........”
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 26, 2013 18:57:56 GMT
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,
"I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 26, 2013 19:13:50 GMT
Last Respects
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah? well we were married for 35 years.”
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 26, 2013 19:45:09 GMT
The CIA are interviewing three potential agents, two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a revolver. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what." says the interviewer, "Inside this room you will find your wife. Kill her."
"I couldn't do that," says the man. "Then you are not the right man for the job." Says the CIA Agent.
The second man is given the same instructions and goes into the room but he can't do it either.
Finally, the woman is given the test, but with her husband. She takes the gun and enters the room. Shots are heard, then screaming and banging. She comes out and wipes sweat from her brow. "You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks," she says, "I had to beat him to death with the chair.
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 26, 2013 19:59:10 GMT
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he
helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed
and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his
little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in
the first place...... smack his ass again!"
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 28, 2013 8:41:44 GMT
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly
dear you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn
it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took
it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking.
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 28, 2013 8:42:40 GMT
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the
bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto
the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..." "d**n!" says the little old lady...
"I'd better go back and see if I can still find some.
Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?" "Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a
lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper,
and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes,
I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 28, 2013 8:43:58 GMT
Lawyers should never ask a small-town grandma a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a
grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one
of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of
them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet
voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send
you both to the electric chair." !!!!
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 28, 2013 8:46:37 GMT
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have
to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is
embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you
tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I
know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached
the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the
Doctor for today??"
"There's something wrong with my thingy", he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the
Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The
Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken
her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 28, 2013 8:47:37 GMT
A very successful celebrity Lawyer suddenly felt ill one day and passed out, when he came to he found himself in a place which he did not recognise. A stranger came to him and said: "This is the entrance to heaven, you have died of old age"
The Lawyer said: But I'm only 38, that's not old, I want to appeal."
The Stranger goes away and returns with another person who says: "I have checked and your age is based on the hours that you have charged your clients, that makes you 106"
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 28, 2013 8:50:05 GMT
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important
person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 28, 2013 8:51:08 GMT
An old widowed farmer employed a housekeeper and soon after starting he suggested that she went with him while he worked.
The farmer was moving livestock with the help of a couple of dogs. At one time he shouted at one of the dogs, which turned and snarled back. The farmer just stood and said "That's one!".
Later on in the morning the same dog refused to come to heel, the farmer said: "That's two!".
Near lunchtime the same dog is seen scratching the painted front door of the house. The farmer says "That's Three!" and goes into the house, comes out with his garden gun and shoots the dog.
The new housekeeper is visibly shocked by this, she says " That's a terrible thing to do, I've never seen anything so cruel, How could you do such a thing?"
The Farmer waits for her to finish and says "That's one!"
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 28, 2013 8:55:51 GMT
A man opens his front door on Christmas eve to find his Mother in Law stood on the step with her suitcase.
She says, "I thought that I'd stay here for a couple of days?"
He says: "No problem" and shuts the door.
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 28, 2013 9:02:24 GMT
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up?” God answered, “No, not yet. You have another 40 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman reflected on her brush with death and the joyous revelation that she had so much more living to do. She decided to have a facelift, liposuction, breast reduction, and a tummy tuck. She even had her hair colored and styled.
On release from hospital, she dashed across the street to arrange a long awaited cruise at the travel agency, and was killed by a speeding ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t you pull me from the path of that ambulance?”
God replied, “Sorry, I didn’t recognize you.”
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 28, 2013 9:03:59 GMT
Morris bumps into Abe outside a jewellry shop with a small box gift wrapped in gold paper with a red bow.
"So! Abe what have you been buying?"
"It's Roses birthday and she said she wanted something with lots of diamonds."
"Oy! so what did you get her."
"A pack of playing cards."
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 28, 2013 9:04:55 GMT
Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted
all his life. When they get to the woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree
and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling
scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be
quiet!"
Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled
over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my
neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my
pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I
couldn't keep quiet any more!"
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 28, 2013 9:07:12 GMT
George Bush visited a primary school classroom which was in the middle of discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy', so the leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stood up and offered "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him that would be a tragedy.
"No" says George, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not" explained the President" that's what we call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. George searched the room. Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand.
In a quiet voice he said "If a USAF plane, carrying you Mr President, was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." Fantastic" said George, "That's right. Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well" said Johnny "because it certainly wouldn't be a 'great loss'
and it probably wouldn't be an 'accident' either."
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Post by merchant42 on Nov 28, 2013 9:10:43 GMT
Elmer and Abe are out hunting, when Elmer says to Abe:
"Hey Abe, how tall is a penguin"
Abe replies: "Dunno Elmer, about three feet, why?"
"Aw shucks" says Elmer "I just shot a Nun".
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Post by buzzy on Nov 28, 2013 16:15:33 GMT
A white married man was told by his wife she intended to start wearing a Burkah as she wanted to discover what sort of reaction people in the UK would give her.
She was shouted at, sworn at, kicked, and generally treated with total disdain. The problem occurred when she said she was going to leave the house and mingle with the public!!
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