Joke Thread

[merchant42]

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife Would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.

Now after ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain ?" said the counselor, "You're still getting the same service!"

[merchant42]

A man in a bar with his Labrador at his feet was intrigued to see another dog owner enter the bar. "That's a strange looking dog you have there," he said.

"Yes, he is rather," said the newcomer, "but he's a great fighter."

"Is he now? I bet he isn't as good a fighter as my Fang here."

"All right - how much do you wanna bet?"

"Ten dollars."

"You're on."

So the two men let their dogs fight. Eventually the Labrador crawled, battered and bloody, to his master's side.

"I'd never thought I'd see Fang get defeated," said the loser's master, handing over the ten dollars, "especially by such an odd-looking one like yours."

"Yes, he does look a little peculiar," agreed the winner's master. "But he looked even odder before I shaved his mane off . . . "

[merchant42]

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed; he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world.

On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

[merchant42]

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

[merchant42]

Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . . 600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . . please instruct!

Tower to pilot . . . tower to pilot . . . repeat after me: "Our Father, which art in heaven . . ."

[merchant42]

A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."

[merchant42]

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

[merchant42]

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But compared to his brother, he was a saint."

[merchant42]

A man sat at a bar, drinking slow. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

The bartender said, "That should make you happy."

The man said, "Not if the month is up today!"

[merchant42]

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."

"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

[merchant42]

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy_Y."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"None have survived the branding."

[merchant42]

Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."

[merchant42]

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

[merchant42]

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"

" My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.

The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."

The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, " What is your name?"

" My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."

[merchant42]

Her young bosom heaving in chagrin, Susan confessed her tearful tidings to her Mother.

"Oh Mom !" she sobbed, "I'm pregnant!"

"Ye gads!!!" screamed the Mother. "And just who is the Father?"

The daughter lifted up her weeping face and wailed "How the hell would I know. You're the one who would never let me go steady."

[merchant42]

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.

The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."

[merchant42]

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness.

The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"

"No sir." answered the man.

"Did you ever get any from his wife?"

"No sir."

"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"

"Uh... excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"

[merchant42]

A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"

The man giving the lady an angry look replied "Hey lady, how the hell should I know?."

The lady is a bit surprised and stutters out, "Well, which is a boy and which is a girl?."

The man looking angrier than before replied "Jesus Christ, I don't know!" The woman then started to scold the man "For goodness sake, what kind of a father are you?."

The man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are two complaints that I've got to take back to my boss!"

[merchant42]

A man who was unemployed for several months gets a job with Public Works. He was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told him he is on probation and that he must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The man agreed to the conditions and starts the next day.

The supervisor checked and found that the man completed 4 miles on his first day. "Great," he thought, "this man will really work out."

The next day he learned that the man only accomplished 2 miles but the supervisor thought, "Well he is still at the average and I don't want him to get discouraged."

The third day however the man only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to him."

The boss pulled the new employee in and says, "Son, you were doing great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure, anything keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"

The man replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther from the bucket."

[merchant42]

The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.

"Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.

"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

[merchant42]

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all his instructors were busy and he had to stay and "man the store", the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start the plane and gave her the basics and sent her on her way. Who said blondes can't fly? After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was learning to fly.

The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said,: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

[merchant42]

A man sitting in the bar found that the front of his trousers was all wet.

Turning to the man on his right he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?"

"Nope," came the reply.

Then, turning to the man on his left, he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?"

The man also replied, "Nope."

"Oops, it must have been an inside job."

[merchant42]

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, " But then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then-just tell my wife!"

[merchant42]

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."

[merchant42]

A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked dish and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

[merchant42]

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."

[merchant42]

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

[merchant42]

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

[merchant42]

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."

[merchant42]

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever thingy stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone.

"Where is my father"? he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida."

Clever thingy laughed.

"Actually", he said, "my father is dead"!

It had been a tricky question!!

The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever thingy thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband"?

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.

And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words: "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."